Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween!

Now, had I any place to go this year I had some very fun costumes in mind.
Unfortunately all plans fell through.

Sigh....there's always next year.

Your Halloween Costume Should Be

A Sexy Bunny

Halloween Horoscope for Virgo

Eh, Halloween is not exactly your favorite holiday.
You costume is usually pretty simple - if it exists at all.

Costume suggestions: A scary mask or whatever you wore last year

Signature Halloween candy: Tootsie Pops

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Who's reachin' out to capture a moment...everyone knows it's Windy!

It was an incredibly blustery day today... I don't know what the wind gusts were up to, but let me tell you - it was flipping windy!

But....I did pretty darn good for a first timer! I started out going much faster than my usual speed; I run 12 minute miles on the treadmill - and I was way under that for the first mile. Mostly from the excitement I felt - and partly because I wanted to keep up with the people who were experienced. It's that competitive nature I've got! By the 1.5 mile mark, I had to slow down significantly. The wind made it so hard for me to keep my breath and breathe properly, plus I was excited which didn't help any so I really messed up. For about a half mile, I fast walked/jogged until I could get that nasty sidestitch to go away. Then I ran the rest of the way in, and managed to keep a good pace.

I didn't come in nearly as high as I thought I had....someone misinformed me of the total amount of people who ran, and I came in the bottom half instead of in the top half as I'd been led to believe. But that's okay! My time was 33.44 and my pace was 10:53. I still ran faster than I normally do on the treadmill - I wonder how I might have done had I not had to fight the wind, or kept my own wind better? But either way, it doesn't matter.....I'm feeling pretty good about it! And, I loved it. I felt almost high afterwards...

This was my first time running outdoors....and my first race.
And yet another item scratched off my "To Do"list!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Just Do It....

In roughly 36 hours is the long awaited 5k. I was supposed to be running it with my girlfriend, but she unfortunately had to cancel due to a death in her family that she has to travel out of state for. Disappointing of course for a variety of reasons; the main one being the fact she has a death in her family, which is always so difficult. And of course, I was really looking forward to seeing her and doing this together. I don't get to spend much time with her, so I was excited. But that's okay...We're getting together next weekend for a play night, where we'll be "painting the town red" (look out Boston!), and that's a good thing to look forward to.

Despite the fact that this would be my first race ever, and I would be alone.....I'm still running it. It's in my hometown, so I've got to think that I'm going to run into some familiar faces (no pun intended!) - and besides, you don't talk while you run anyway.....so to run it alone isn't the end of the world. I have to say I've always been a 'sink or swim' kind of girl anyway. I'd just as soon do something alone and just accomplish it, than not accomplish because I'm relying on another person to do it with me.

So wish me luck - send "don't give up"" vibes my way. Think of me on Sunday at approximately 10:35 a.m. - when me and my IPOD should potentially be crossing the finish line -- if I keep my pace on track.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

It's been one of "those" days.....

It makes it hard to breathe sometimes, when you hear what people say about you when they think you won't be told. Or maybe they know you're going to be told, but they assume the person telling will filter out information. Though it's not something you should focus on, and I always give the best advice on "assume the worst" - it's still rather hard to take at times. Especially when it includes not just you - but those around you. When it's you, you can suck it up and let it roll. Maybe even have a private pity party if you want to. But when it's not just you - it's a harder pill to swallow because your defense mechanisms get triggered. What's even worse, is that what they're saying about you isn't even anything bad....but there mere fact that they have animosity over literally nothing - well, that almost makes it worse. Who spends their life being so angry all the time? It's so much work to be negative....ugh, who wants to put in all that effort?

And yet in some ways, I've fallen victim to that as well....because here I am, feeling like it's difficult to breathe. Which is all anger. And negativity. And frustration. And hurt. And anger.

I'm not looking for sympathy, this isn't a "woe is me" type of thing.....I'm just voicing aloud how I'm feeling, which helps me recognize how foolish it all is. I will not let anyone tear me down. I will not let anyone try to make me feel badly about who I am, where I came from or who I surround myself with. In some ways, I suppose it's an assbackwards compliment since there seems to be a little vying for attention in all of this. But that doesn't make it right. It doesn't make the frustration go away.... but what it does do, is inspire me to keep smiling despite them. And keep running.....and keep doing nice things for other people. That's just who I am and how I'm built.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Run to the Hills.....

I'm officially an IPOD owner.
As much as I thought I was going to get the bright blue Nano - I ended up with the pink one.
I figured it would hide scratches better than the blue... though the blue is pretty darn sharp.
I may have Color Remorse right about now. Thinking I should've stuck with the blue..... hahaha.

(You know how that happens when you go out to eat in a restaurant? You order something you think you want - but then you see what your friend orders and you think "Oh, THATS what I should've had...." Food Envy. Order Remorse. Diner's Regret.....)

So, the kid at Circuit City asked me what my playlist was going to entail. I have to tell you - I'm using this predominantly for running only, so I'm using music that sort of motivates me to sweat as opposed to leisurely listening experiences. That might change - but that's the direction I'm starting out in. It's a mix of disco/trance/heavy metal. Yup, heavy metal. There's nothing like some classic Metallica or Iron Maiden to get me motivated to move!

And Sunday is the 5k I've been "training" for. I'm excited. I haven't had the chance to run outdoors yet; it gets dark out pretty early now, and my girlfriend I'm running this with doesn't have time to run the course with me after work - and I dont' want to run it alone at night - that just wouldn't be safe. And unfortunately where I live (which isnt' the same town the race is in) - there are no sidewalks.

But I do get to run....on my treadmill.....with my IPOD.
I feel so cool.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Ho, Ho, Ho.....No, No, No.....?!

Last night I watched "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer" with my kids before they went to bed. Yes, I know it's a little early for Christmas - but when your 5 year old is counting the days, it's hard not to start thinking about it.

It's funny - as a kid I loved this special. It was one of my favorites! Who doesn't love Rudolf?Clearly - as I learned from watching it last night - Santa doesn't!

This was probably the first time as an adult that I really watched and paid attention to the movie. I've watched it with my son before - but he was younger and so I suppose he didn't really listen to what they were saying so much as he was watching what was on the screen. But now that he's in kindergarten and around all sorts of other kids, I'm really cautious about making sure that he's aware that we're all different, and that you should always be kind to other people. I've always stressed it, but now that he's in an uncontrolled environment (code for "Without Mom") I just want him to be considerate of other people's feelings.

Santa is a real jerk in this movie! I don't mean a little jerk - I mean a grumpy, miserable, meanspirited and selfish jerk. First off, Santa comes in to see Rudolf after he's born and shrinks with horror at Rudolf's nose. And then chastised Donder and his wife for having such an imperfect little guy. Later, the Elves sing him a song..... and he tells them it's not good enough. Huh?!? And let's be honest - he only lets Rudolf lead the sleigh at the end of it all because he had no other alternative. He used Rudolf. Sure....Rudolf wasn't good enough before Christmas Eve was foggy....but now, he's a beacon of light? Please. Save it Santa. Somewhere between "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "Rudolf" - Kris Kringle became jaded and cynical. I much prefer the Santa of "Miracle on 34th Steet", or many of the other Christmas specials that you see during the holiday season. Santa is magical...he loves all children with the only prerequisite that they behave - not be aesthetically pleasing!

Listen, I know there's a lesson in all of this.... and that children don't "get" what we get as adults. But I find it so sad to see a Christmas special that outcasts people who are different, making them feel badly about themselves. What's the lesson in that? The moral of this story doesn't seem to be that we all fit in and have a place in this world....it seems to be that it's okay to be different so long as you serve a purpose.

Shit. I sound like a full fledged grownup, don't I?

Monday, October 23, 2006

A serial show about a serial killer?

So, I've been watching Showtime's new show "Dexter".
I'm trying....really trying to love this show. But I'm having such a difficult time bonding with the main character.
Here's the thing. I should love this show....it's got alot of the components that would go into my liking it. For example:

1. The plot. A story about a serial killer...but one with a heart, despite his thinking he doesn't have one. And - he's a vigilante. He quenches his "thirst" if you will, by stalking people who the justice system sets free...those who should be punished but get off somehow. I like that. I've always been fascinated with the darker side of the mind and serial killers, so one would think this is right up my alley, right?

2. The cast. Showtime was smart - and casted a bunch of my favorite HBO castoffs. If you watched the now defunct OZ, or Six Feet Under you'll find some of your many favorite characters who were normally on opposite sides of the fence from each other - on the same page. I still giggle when I see them all together in a scene.

But... and there's always a "but"....

The lead character is from Six Feet Under and he was formerly "David" - one of the brothers, and he was a homosexual. He played the part brilliantly. However, so much as I try to not think of him as "David pretending to be Dexter" - I can't help it. And partly that might be as a result of him still seeming very....homosexual. Now, don't get me wrong - I understand that the psyche of many serial killers toys with asexuality, homosexuality and autoerotica - so maybe he's supposed to be coming off that way. But it's making it very difficult for me to become attached to him, no matter how apathetic and human he is despite his affliction with murder. I just can't get away from the fact that he's someone else.

Actually, I'm sort of more interested with the side storylines than the main plot of his character.
Maybe it just is going to take some more time.

But either way - kudos to Showtime for trying to trek in HBO's shows. Because outside of "Fat Actress", their weekly television shows are mediocre in comparison to HBO. Dexter just might break through that barrier, if they can reel people into this show - and keep them there.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Saturday "What ifs...."

I thought I had been tagged by Miss 28 going on 40 - but I can't find the post now, so I thought I'd do a fun meme for Saturday.

I'm not tagging anyone....if you want it - grab it; let me know so I can check out your answers!
If you could have named yourself, which name would you have chosen, and why?
I always liked the name Shara when I was younger. But now? I don't know. I probably would choose the name I picked for my daughter, Sofia. It's strong yet feminine.

If you could relive a year in your life, what age would it be, and why?
When I was 12. I loved my 6th grade year...it was the best year of school, where I made such great friends and we just had fun. Some of my best memories that my friends and I still laugh about - are from back then.

If you could go back and change one friendship in your past, who would it have been, and why?
I don't think any of them. While there's one person I might have considered not being friends with in retrospect....she taught me a valueable lesson about trust, and trusting my instincts.

If you could have dated one person in your past that you did not date, who would it be, and why?
Hmmmm. I've never dated anyone I worked with - or even anyone on the base period. But there was one Captain who I was friends with that made it clear he wanted to be more than friends, but I didn't feel the same towards him. He was such a great guy... and we were really good friends, it might've been a good thing even if only for a short time.

If you could say one thing/idea/sentiment to someone in your past, what would it be, and why?
Life is too short.... why waste time being insincere?

If you had the opportunity to live in another country, which one would it be, and why? if you choose NOT to live in another country, why do you want to stay in your current country?
I would never live in another country. Nothing beats being here.

If you could choose your dream job, what would it be, and why?
There's a lot of things I wish I did in life. I guess my dream job, would be sportscasting.

If you could wish a wish and it be guaranteed to come true (and not to your detriment or to the detriment of anyone else), what would it be, and why?
I think I would wish that everyone that I love would never have to go through any real suffering or pain. We all need obstacles in life to overcome in order to grow...but I would wish for no real loss or pain that is unnecessary.

No regrets...no mistakes made. Only lessons learned......

Friday, October 20, 2006

Tattoos and scars are different things....

I've always wanted to get a tattoo. I don't have one....I went once to a tattoo parlor in New Hampshire and chickened out at the last second. I have green eyes, and when I was younger - my nickname amongst certain friends was "Tiger eyes". So, I always thought I wanted a tattoo of two green tiger's eyes peering through a mist.

No place obvious.....I'm far to discreet for that. Typical bikini area, so that no one sees it whom I don't want seeing it. While I love, love, love tattoos on men - and think that it's cool for a girl to have them - I do think that for myself, subtlety is key. Ankles, shoulders, backs, wrists...just not for me.

(I've always wanted to get my belly button pierced as well....but so many people I know have had problems with them, I've opted not to go that route. I prefer to wear a waist chain instead. I think it's sexier anyway, and isn't that really the look we're trying to get across with piercing our midsections? But I digress...)

So, in the past year - I've really been thinking seriously about getting this tattoo. But I want it to mean something....be personal. Not just have one for the sake of having one. I just haven't come up with something that I'm committed to...something that I feel is really representational of me and how I feel.

And then.... it came to me today. A few weeks back, a coworker asked if I'd be interested in joining a startup business he was thinking of doing. So I told him we'd have to talk more, but I'm always open to ideas and possibilities. When I went to follow up with him today - it turns out that particular project is going to the wayside and he's doing something else. I feigned offense, asking if he only asked me because he thought I was only worthy of being the "face" of the business he was thinking of, and not of being the "behind the scenes" type of person in this other venture. Truly, I was only kidding - but he was sensitive to the thought that I may be hiding an underlying hint of feeling like I'm not good enough for all projects - only those where I'd be the focus of attention. Not that it's a bad thing...but being a woman in industry while I know it's not a bad thing to "work it" to get what you want - you don't want to be thought of as only good for that. And I've worked far too hard to be thought of as such.

After our conversation, he sent me an email with a japanese saying - and the explanation behind the meaning of this term. I think, if the time should come and I feel that I'm ready to get a tattoo....this will be my choice. (I HAD a photo of it here...but it dissapeared for some reason?!?)

It's a Japanese Yoji-jukugo expression . Yoji-jukugo contain classical wisdom or morals in short phrases. In English there are words that people use which make them sound intelligent or denote higher education. Japanese also has words that educated people are more likely to know. Yoji-jukugo are such words. There are hundreds of yoji-jukugo. Some of them are not even familiar to the Japanese, therefore they are often asked at a school entrance examination to test one's knowledge.

"Saishoku Kenbi" is the phrase. It means, "equipped with both brains and beauty." It is mostly used to refer to a woman.

And while I certainly do not feel that I am necessarily beautiful - nor exceptionally smart, I'd like to be thought of as being balanced. And given some of the struggles I've encountered in my day of proving that I'm more than just a fluff, I have to say that this is probably the concept of a design that I feel most committed to as being something that feels right.

We'll see, when and if the time comes.....

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Don't go away mad...just go away

I'm not in a bad mood per se, but I do have some things that are weighing on my mind and sort of just "ticking" me off in general.

So, I'm going to vent them, in the hopes that maybe they won't bug me quite so much once I write them. Mind you, these aren't big issues - they're all "picki-une" (jibberish for itsy bitsy, not important, small stuff - for those of you who've never heard the term before!)

1. What I wouldn't give for just once....to have my digital camera take a photo without everyone having red eyes. What the heck am I doing wrong? Is it me.... is it the camera? I updated my profile photo, because it's a recent photo from over the weekend. But then when I zoomed in a bit.....devil girl appeared yet again.

2. And since I'm on the topic of my camera, it's got the slowest shutter and flash I've ever seen. It makes it virtually impossible to get a good photo of people because you know someone's going to move, and the person taking the picture has no idea as to when it's actually taking the photo because it clicks like three times. I'm thinking, my camera sucks - for lack of a better term.

3. When you've got a meeting first thing in the morning, and you're stuck in traffic and in a line on a "Left turn on green arrow only" - it infuriates me to no end when the DPW truck that's at the head of the line just sits there and waits a good 30 seconds before starting to make his left turn. What's he thinking about? Does he hear birds singing in his head while he waits? By the way, might I add that at this particular intersection, on a good day with a fast driver in front - there's only time to make 5 cars go through the light. Today, I was car number 6. Did I run the red light? Oh yes, I did......

4. Coffee. Made wrong this morning. Yet again..............
I'm sorry. I'm pretty easy going most days. But when I order my hazelnut/coconut w/ extra milk and 4 Splenda- and get a plain coffee with cream and no Splenda - no sugar, no nothing? Hmmm. That sort of rubs me the wrong way. And I don't understand what happened? I mean, I say all the niceties such as "good morning" - "please", "thank you". Maybe it was those birds singing again....?

In the trash it went.....and needless to say, I've yet to have a cup of coffee thus far today. Which is fine, but I'm really looking forward to getting one in a little while.

So see - nothing really important to be stressed over. Just sort of small stuff that's lingering around me this morning. Probably nothing that a good cup of coffee and a smile can't erase. I just need to get the smile going. It will come, I'm sure of it...it always does. Because that's me - I'm always the happy one....especially after a trip to the nail salon. Which is exactly where I'm going today for my "quicker picker upper"!

Yes, the sun will shine, once again.... and probably in a shade of Broadway Berry.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

How many days until Spring Training?

I've held off on some of my baseball thoughts, since I was sort of adjusting to the fact that October is here and we have no more Fenway action going on. Since having satellite radio, I haven't been listening to Sports Radio as much as I used to...so I'm not as up to date on the latest trade talks, etc... but I've got some definite thoughts about the upcoming season, and just wanted to share them.

1. ABSOLUTELY don't trade Manny Ramirez. I'm sorry....but I kinda dig Manny being Manny! He's fun to watch, he's got great spirit - and he's amazing in the 4 Spot. Let me just ask you this - who could possibly replace him? Divas are such because they have a talent and we love them for it - actually, it's because of their talent that we hand them the world on a platter. So why complain when they become accustomed to that sort of treatment? It's your toy - you wound it up - now play with it!!!

2. Pitching, pitching, pitching. Big hole here folks. I don't have any real answers for this one. I am looking forward to seeing Papelbon as a starter next year though - that much I know.

3. ARod to the Sox?!?! Personally, I wouldn't like to see it only because I don't care for him. At all. Sore sport cheating jerk. (Wait, did I say that out loud?!?!) However..... keep Lowell at third, put ARod at ShortStop.....might not be such a bad idea. Will it happen? Probably not.... but fun to think about.

4. Why so hard on them? Listen, let's face it - after last year's off season and all the chaos that was involved - we went into this season with minimal expectations. At least I did anyway. So when they were so darn good during the first half, we had hope....dreams....could they do it again? Red Sox Nation was holding their breath with possibilities. Lowell and Loretta came up far huger than we ever gave them credit for initially...our infield was amazing. But let's be honest... we have holes that need to be patched on this team, and despite how well they played....they just didn't have the whole package this year.

But don't feel badly....neither did the Yankees. And isnt that really all that matters once regular season ends?

5. Speaking of Pinstripes. How sad is it that all that talent, all that money....and they still can't get it together and keep it together. Tsk, tsk, tsk....I know we have a steep payroll too, but c'mon. Money can't make a team...a team is made of heart, and spirit.

And please, would somebody retest Giambi????? Gross.

6. Sports Desk. Damn it - why can't I have Hazel Mae's job???

7. Jason Varitek. What?!? As if I need to say more.....

Monday, October 16, 2006

Autumn is the year's last, and loveliest smile.....

I can't say it enough.... I love this time of year.
I'm all about the Pumpkin Pie scented candles, firelogs burning in the fire place on cool nights....apples picked fresh from the tree. Even when the mornings are cool - the warm sun contrasting against the crisp air is so.....refreshing.

And of course, there's the food that comes with this time of year. Love, love, love my comfort food. Comfort food is different for everyone....but for me, it's the beef stews, pot roasts, roast beef w/ Roasted Potatoes, slow simmered spaghetti sauce w. meatballs. What's better than that!?!?

Don't get me wrong, I love the summertime.... but I think there's something special about Autumn. The changing of the colors of the leaves....the grass still so green....it just seems to brighten everything up around here.

You are Mahogany

Stable and decisive, you lack the hyper energy of most orange colors.
You're still energetic, but you tend to project a peaceful, relaxed vibe.
You love to feel cozy. You often rather wrap up in a blanket than go out for the night.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Weddings and Funerals.....

My Uncle passed away in the early hours of this morning.
I got the call around 4:30 a.m. - I'd been up all night, and finally fallen asleep a half hour earlier - so the phone call didn't shock me or surprise me as it might had I been sleeping soundly.

My Uncle was far too young, too healthy, too kind of a person for this to have happened. My Aunt shouldn't have to go through the feelings of anger, despair, sorrow and lonliness that she's going to encounter at various times, for more than likely the rest of her life. They had the kind of love you see in movies and wish you had yourself. I'm sure they argued and had their moments, but it was clear they adored and took care of each other. You could see it in their interactions with one another. It wasn't supposed to be this way...and yet, it is this way.

Over the past few days, I've been in contact with family members whom I love dearly - but don't often keep in touch with. It's not as if we live far away from each other, some of us are only a few miles apart; but life just sort of gets in the way and you lose touch. It's no one's fault, it's just the way things go sometimes. So the upcoming days are going to be bittersweet.....obviously, we'll all be together for a horrible reason. But it's always so much fun when we all get together, even when it's for a wake and a funeral. The bonding of friends and family is so powerful at times like these - and it sort of lightens the load of the sadness.

It's funny, I remember being younger and hearing the "grownups" always say, "Weddings and Funerals... the only time we see each other is at weddings and funerals." As a kid, I didn't put much stock into it because I was too young to attend many weddings - and didn't have to go to many funerals. And the ones I did go to, I never understood why everyone was laughing and joking when my beloved family member had died. How insensitive I thought it was.
But as a "grownup", I get it.

So now, despite the occasion for which we're all gathering, I'm sort of looking forward to the feelings that only being surrounded by your friends and family can provide. That is where the healing can begin.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

What I am is what I am...is what you are or what....?

Some people are phenomenal with numbers. Some hold a better grasp of the English language.
Some people are thinkers....others are doers.

Why are we drawn towards certain ideas?
For an example...I often wonder why I describe colors in food terms. Chocolates, plums, vanilla/cream, pumpkin, etc. Why don't I just call the colors what they are: brown, purple, off white/yellow, orange, etc? And it's not like I put a concentrated effort into it...it's just who I am, and who I've always been. It gives me a sense of comfort somehow....thinking of colors in those terms seems to give me warmth.

Why am I so captivated by the words that are written as lyrics to a song? If done well, it's poetry - which in of itself is like music to my ears. Why is it so important to me that words are chosen so carefully....when to some, eloquence is rather meaningless? They listen to a song and think of it as merely a melody and words. Or when they speak themselves - they are careless with their words, not thinking of their consequences or the weight that they hold.

It's funny how we all just think so differently...the mind is an amazing thing.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

That's my story....and I'm stickin' to it!

Friends are like seasons.....they come and they go, changing colors like the leaves that fall from the trees; or blossoming with life with a kiss from the sun. And while sometimes there's a solstice and we miss their blooms - we know that their season will come once again.

Life can't possibly be like a box of chocolates....because I know the square one is caramel! Besides....I don't like chocolate anyway.. So where does that leave me? Why can't life be a bag of Doritos??

Sometimes I wonder....CAN a girl have too many pairs of boots? I think not.

Which means I just need to get more!
Skirts, and boots. And maybe some more blue....
These are the things my wardrobe needs.

Violence isn't always evil.

What's evil -- is the infatuation with violence.

I don't have to win every fight.
And why do I fight so hard all the time anyway.
No one else does....!?

"If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to...
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to..."

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

"We could steal time, just for one day..."

I haven't been a fan of traditional network television for quite some time.
But clearly.....someone has got the right idea.

And it seems to be Jeph Loeb - the same guy who's involved with my "other" network indulgence, "Smallville".

"Heroes" (Monday nights, 9pm NBC) is turning out to be quite the interesting show.

First off - it's far from neatly tied in a bow at the end of the hour. Second, it's an interesting concept, and it's fresh. Third, the storylines and characters are all seemingly intertwined which is sort of along the lines of the movie "Crash". While this is far more obvious of a connection than in the movie - it's still unique to see and it's the type of intertwining that does not, or rather can not - reveal itself all at once. It's dark, mysterious, and it draws you right in. There are so many subliminal references throughout each episode, it still has things popping up in my mind today. See, that's what I like - thought provoking. Exciting, interesting, and situational - but so not "House".

This is definitely a two thumbs up - and if you like DC Comics and the such......well, there's a teensie comic book reference in there as well that you'll appreciate.

Monday, October 09, 2006

The rollercoaster hasn't quite stopped....

So....the good news is, my Uncle is still with us. For now.
Saturday, we were told he wasn't breathing on his own....yesterday, he was. Minimally - but on his own. They also told us that he still isn't having brain functions enough to sustain life; but they are wanting us to wait until Wednesday to make a decision - just in case for some miracle, he maintains more control.

It seems the bacterial infection he sustained was a version of EColi - that can ONLY be caught at a hospital; so I think they're very hesitant to let him go without exercising all possibilities. Which I think is a good thing.

If he pulls through by some chance - then it's truly almost a miracle. And if he doesnt....well then we were given the grace of time, to prepare for it.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Only the good die young.....

Tomorrow, my Uncle will be taken of life support....and we have already been informed of the outcome.

I was going to be there with my Aunt when it happened; but my Uncle's sister will be in town and wanted to take her instead. I am going to go up on my own... while I appreciate my aunt still wanting me to be there with her and her sister in law when they let him go -- I think that's a moment they should share privately. So I will go tomorrow morning by myself, and say goodbye.

It's so surreal. I can't quite wrap my brain around it just yet.

As I mentioned my Uncle is a devout Catholic; and I know what he would say to me if he could...."Rebecca, it's HIS plan. It's my time." He absolutely would believe that. And I certainly know that if there is truly a heaven, my Uncle will be there front and center.

Friday, October 06, 2006

I don't understand why bad things always happen to good people....

I spent a good part of last night with my Aunt at the hospital.

My Uncle, went to his hospital for a very common outpatient surgical procedure on Tuesday. Instead of recovering from it - he ended up back in the hospital with a severe blood infection within 24 hours.

Yesterday - while my Aunt was visiting with him - he "crashed". Basically, his heart suddenly went into Arrythmia and he died. Right there in front of her. But the story doesn't end there.....

Fortunately, she was there in the room with him - because he wasn't being monitored for heart purposes - he's perfectly healthy, and so there was no reason to monitor him for such things. She ran out of his room, got the staff - and they quickly ushered her out of the room so they could resuscitate him. She called me - I left work, not realizing exactly what had happened at this point - and got there to be with her so she wasn't alone dealing with the doctors.

He spent 7 minutes in this "code" state. Which means 7 minutes without his heart beating on it's own. 7 minutes without oxygen flowing properly throughout his body to his brain. The good thing is - if there's any place for this type of thing to happen, a hospital is the place to be. 7 minutes of being given oxygen and being "breathed for" until stabilized is the most optimal situation, given the circumstances. His heart shows no sign of damage....his catscans at this point show no signs of brain injury. He's breathing on his own and maintaining his own blood pressure. But he is showing signs of neurological damage. To what extent....we truly don't know at this point.

When I left last evening, he was already sedated. They were inducing him to a hypothermic state, to slow his body down and allow it some time to regroup and restabilize. They were also paralyzing him, so that he would be perfectly still. The infection is so aggressive that it was difficult for him to keep still - your body naturally creates adrenalin to fight off infection, and he's too weak to handle the strength of the adrenalin, so they need to keep him perfectly still to aide in healing. And they've induced a medical coma.

As of this morning, we're hoping that they'll slowly start removing these processes over the next 24 hours....and potentially by Saturday evening, he may be awake. And only at that point, will anyone be able to determine the extent of his injuries.

My uncle is a devout Catholic...I don't think he ever misses Mass. He's one of the nicest, kindest people I know. That's not a statement made in hindsight because of the circumstances today - that's the truth. There are few people in this world like my Uncle. He's an active guy...an avid gamesman, fisherman - and a great cook. One of the best compliments he gave me without even realizing it, was calling me for my recipe on cooking goose. He makes it all the time....but I made it one year for Christmas, and he said it was so good - he said he wanted to try it that way himself. He's always funny, welcoming....and loves being around kids. He's just a good guy.

If anyone has any positive thoughts and wishes.....send them my Uncle's way. If anyone deserves them - he does.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Question of the day....

You've seen a box in the distance ahead of you. There's something about the box that draws you to it. It calls your name....invites you in.
You walk towards it.

So now, you've got a box in front of you, that you want to get inside of.
But the door, or the front of the box -- is locked. And you don't have a key.
Puzzled....you now are faced with the following dilemma:
Do you still try to get inside of it? And if so.. how?

Do you break the box down?

Do you walk around the box, slowly analyzing different ways that you can get into the box - even if takes hours, days to do so - you don't give up.

You will get in.

Or do you just walk away from the box, thinking that

it's best if you left it alone.


I am the person who walks around the box analyzing how to get in, and attempting different ways to do it because I will manage to make it happen. I rise to the challenge, and I am determined.....patient. I know what I want, and I work towards getting it.

Sometimes though.....

I wonder if it's best that I learn how to just leave it be....?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

"One golden glance of what should be...."

Maybe it's the feeling of the air, despite the warmth that is creeping back this week.....Maybe it's the changing of the leaves. Maybe it's just the state of mind I'm in, or rather - what's been circling within my mind as of late.

I'm feeling the need to go and surround myself with some mystique.
I think I'm going to take a day, and have my Tarot cards read.

I enjoy being surrounded by places of charm, and magic....there's a certain calming effect that takes place when you walk into a shop that has crystals, and incense and New Age music playing. It's almost therapeutic. And of course, there's the fun aspect of it. I don't agree with those who use it to guide their lives....but I do think it's nice to indulge once a year or so.

Tarot cards have a long history; and one of the things I love about them, is that your energy is supposed to be in control of the cards. The reader is merely someone who's explaining the cards that your energy has presented. To me, the best readings are from those who truly understand what the cards are supposed to represent, and explain all aspects of the meaning - rather than what they're interpreting the card to mean.

It's not always easy finding a good reader, but that's okay. I'm willing to take a chance....

I think I need to take a day, and roam around historic Salem before the Halloween hysteria sets in.

*Title of post is lyrics to a song...not my feelings on Tarot readings!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Sometimes I just don't understand people.....

If a friend, or family member of mine, is doing well in their lives - I'm happy for them.

If someone I know is trying to better themselves - I always support and provide encouragement. From the get go.... not as an afterthought. I don't start off with negative comments, accusatory remarkes - and then at the end say "oh....well, good for you then! I'm happy for you..."

This weekend, the fact that I'm signed up for this 5K - and my physical appearance in general seems to have become a point of contention for some people around me. Crazy, isn't it?

No one can just say "good for you!". There's got to be comments about how I don't ask for advice.... (First, let me just ask this - who asks for advice on this stuff? It's not like I haven't been working out for years!!! It's running 3 miles, not brain surgery!!!); how I'm not working out or eating the right way; how I can't possibly be the size that I am without being anorexic. Yes, the term anorexic was used. Huh???? I've been this size my whole life!!! And I'm sorry - I don't think that anyone looks at me and thinks "Nicole Ritchie/Kate Bosworth". No one looks at me and thinks "um, she's frail looking". Petite - yes. Frail? No....

By the end of the conversation the feedback was positive. But I don't get why I have to defend myself or justify my very being sometimes. And while I do know that some of these people are just really envious of everyone no matter what the situation is....and some of them really arent necessarily this way, but they get influenced easily by the others - it still boggles my mind.

Honestly... I'm just so tired of it.