Saturday, December 31, 2005

A Toast to the End of Another Year....

When I raise my glass tonight, it won't be just for the ringing in of the New Year. It will also be a farewell to this one.
2005 was a very good year for was also a very difficult year.

Through it all, the positive outweighed the negatives - and I think I grew into a much wiser person on many levels as a result. For me, reflecting on 2005 will always be wonderful. Despite the emotional adversity, the beauty of what I had far outshone the tarnish of what I didn't have. And I finally stopped striving for the acceptance that I may never achieve from those whom I was seeking it from. And that's a good thing.

So this is my toast to 2005:
"You gave it to me straight - as any good friend should....and I thank you for that. Thank you for being a healthy and prosperous year for my beautiful family. Here's to 2006 - may it be as good of a friend as you were."

A wise man once said: Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. (Benjamin Franklin)

If you stop growing...if you stop believing....if you stop striving...then you have stopped living. Keep the faith and stay alive for a magical new year.
But hey - what do I know? I'm just a girl....but I'm lovin' every minute of it!

Friday, December 30, 2005

...In the days of auld lang syne...

Should auld acquaintance be forgot?
I don't think so.

Each and every person we've crossed paths with in one way or another is for a reason. Sometimes we know why; sometimes we don't see it right away because maybe there was a lesson to be learned from it. But whether we look back upon these people and see immediately the reason for their involvement in our lives is irrelevant; without them we'd each be a different person than who we are at this very moment. And for that reason alone - no acquaintance should ever be forgotten.

Last year I had made a small, achievable list of resolutions. I kept 4 out of 6 of them. Not too bad... This year, my list is smaller - but still important - and I'm hoping to be successful at keeping them. There's always room for improvement, isn't there?

So here, without further adieu - are my New Year's Resolutions for 2006:

1. Don't be such a slacker about laundry!
2. Be more organized about everything - not just the things I'm interested in....
3. FINALLY get my real estate license (I've taken the class - just gotta get the damn thing!)
4. Get all of my clothes tailored that need to be tailored!!!!

I don't think that New Year's is the only time of year that we can reflect upon things which we can improve about ourselves - so this is an ever changing, evolving, living/breathing list. But they're the first things I'd like to tackle for the month of January anyway!

Here's to you all....wishing you all a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2006!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Christmas: The Aftermath....

All the buildup - and it's now over. Such a shame...

I had a wonderful Christmas - maybe one of the best to date. Not because Santa was good to me (which he was!!!!), but because it was the first holiday in about 5 years that my parents were both here to celebrate with us. And we had a great dinner - and a wonderful time with my cousins who came for dessert. It was just a really great, complete day - that actually lasted until the next day, as I had company until just about midnight.

My mom and dad have left my house and are now over my sisters; my mom is leaving to go back to Florida tomorrow night - and my Dad will be back at my house until Saturday morning....and then since we arent' having any babies any time soon, I truly don't know when I'll see them again. It's such a good feeling to have a house full of people laughing and enjoying each other's company, it makes me sad to think that it could be at least a year - if not longer - that it happens again.

I had promised Cheryl that I would post my menu and I was so busy that I wasn't able here is my Holiday Dinner Menu in Review. I modified it some since my initial plan, but it still was pretty, pretty good.

First Course: Jumbo Shrimp Cocktail, Stuffed Scallops, Stuffed Mushrooms and Scallops Wrapped in Bacon.
Second Course: Baked Ziti and Caesar Salad
Final Course: Spiral Ham, Prime Rib, Sausage Stuffed Italian Peppers, Roasted Potatoes & Eggplant, Candied Sweet Potatoes.
Dessert: Cookies, Cakes, Chocolates

I usually do a soup as my first course - and then my seafood as a second course - and usually a vegetable with the final one. But I just had so much, I opted to leave them out. Good thing too....

Hope you all were happy, healthy....and full on Christmas Day!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas...

To all of you - my blogging buddies...
This has been a very busy time of year for me this year - far busier than usual.
So I apologize for not visiting, or keeping my thoughts updated. But I will be back in full force after this weekend.

Wishing you all snowflakes on your tongue...jinglebells in the air...and something special from Santa under your tree.
Merry Merry!

Today's Boston Globe had a photo of our store in a feature about Beacon Hill!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Am I the only one feeling incredibly overwhelmed this holiday season?
It's like I don't have room to breathe.

It's not so much that I'm disorganized, it's that it seems that there isn't any time to do things before Christmas. But I will. I just need to take a deep breath, and move forward.

Having a few days off this week will help me catch up on what I'm behind with. for the good news!
I was kindly interviewed by none other than Dale aka Kodijack "Just Takes a Minute"!

He asked me some pretty interesting questions....
You can find my responses at his spot in the world.

Hope you all still like me afterwards! :)
He held back on nothing.............

How many days 'til Christmas??

Friday, December 16, 2005

The person you are calling can not be reached...

Because her cell was annihilated today.

My SUV was at the dealership for some work this week - and so I was using a loaner vehicle. In between the ice pelting down and the wild winds - I brought it back to the dealership since they needed it, and I of course - wanted my own back. On my way home, I stopped to do some holiday gift shopping - taking advantage of the time that I had since I'm so very late on buying this year.

By this point, it was downpouring and exceptionally windy. As I was running to the store entrance, my cell phone leaped out of my pocketbook (which clearly, was not closed all the way). I heard it fall, looked back - and there it was, glistening on the ground. Just taunting the oncoming car to hit it.

I had a split second, and either I was to be hit saving it - or I was going to let it fend for itself.
Clearly - I chose not to get hit. The sacrifice was beloved phone was destroyed.

Needless to say I spent 2 hours at Verizon trying to get a new one. Seems everyone was shopping today.
And so my shopping time was gone....Poof.

But I do love my new phone....
There's an upside to everything!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Holiday Soiree: A Pictoral Review!

Some visual footnotes to my previous post!
Here are some of us La Femme Nikitas:

Are they puppies? Are they fish? Birds?
They're Turtle Doves on Crack!
(personally, I love them!)

My reaction opening my gift.....
"Wow....Meet the Barones...No, I like it - really, I do...."

They slice, they dice...they swim, they fly...They're earrings!

I love, love, love my girlfriends.They're my friends, they're my family - and without them, life would be far less colorful.
PS: The cat in this picture was NOT the victim of the pussycat massage...but that's not to say that he may not be at some time in the near future!!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Turtledoves on Crack & Pussycat Massages....

No, this was not a night of Girls Gone Wild....get your mind out of the gutter, boys!

It was more like a night of "Girls Behaving Badly", with all of the practical jokes that go on behind the scenes that we tend to play on each other. I has intended on including some funny pictures to go along with this post, but clearly - some people haven't shared their pictures just yet! (If you're reading this - you know who you are - hahahaha.)

First off, let me ask a question. Who buys "Funeral Pants"? Does one go to a store specifically on a mission to buy pants to wear only to funerals? And if so - can you not wear them anywear else - say, for dinner some night? That's one for a Seinfeld episode! Imagine the laughter that erupted when one of the girls was talking about how she bought a pair of funeral pants and ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT wear them anywhere else. Ever. Oh yeah, tell that to a bunch of drunk girls...or girls on their way to getting drunk!

Ever read the book "How to Massage a Cat"? If you haven't - it's a must read. Especially aloud, with a group of friends who have the same sick distorted sense of humor that you do. And keep in mind when reading it -- two of my friends ACTUALLY DID IT. Yup, after a few drinks one night - they grabbed one of my girlfriends unsuspecting cats and followed it step, by step.....oh yeah - you gotta read this. And if you like that -- then you'll love, love love "Bitter with Baggage". And if you enjoy those two books, well then you'll fit right in at an evening with us!

Ahhh, the secret tricks...the gags....the surprises. The ornament swap was hysterical. First off - one of the girls in our group hates anything to do with shoes...minature shoes and especially ornaments of shoes. YUP. It was strategically planned that this one girl would HAVE to pick the ornament that was especially picked with her in mind. The dreaded shoe ornament...... but wait - this girl had her own trick up her sleeve and bought these ornaments that were so, well, odd looking - only I saw redeeming value in them I think! hahahaha. (Damn, I wish I had those pictures, they tell the story far better than I ever could....) They're of two turtle doves, we think! They're fuzzy, and look like they could be puppies...or fish? Or turtle doves on crack!

The gift swap was....priceless. I have to say that my gift was probably the only one that the room got real quiet and still where you could almost hear everyone thinking "is this a joke" and it wasn't. Imagine my reaction when I looked to my friends who I assumed were the "pranksters" and saw the look of sheer horror on their face when they realized it wasn't a joke. hahahaa. Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit - it wasn't sheer horror but it was clear the gift wasn't a gag from them. Yup... my own fault though. I didnt' want to give any hints as to what to get me, because I thought I'm a relatively easy person to buy for - and I love when people buy things that they think I would like. I have to admit though....for a split second when I opened it, I thought "hmmmm. What about this gift jumped out and screamed "that's Rebecca!!". It was very difficult to hide my surprise, because my laughter I think gave me away... but I hope I did a good job covering it because I certainly would not want to hurt my friend's feelings. It's just funny think that you're an easy mark on your likes and dislikes. Ahhh, well. If nothing else, the laughter and enjoyment that I got after the fact about it was well worth it. And besides, it will now become an joke that some of us will get to enjoy for years to come.

And then no potluck can be complete without ....the lawn junking. Which we graciously did to our hostess.

I'm sorry there aren't any pictures to go along with the story to bring it to life....I hope you didn't feel like you were on the outside of an inside joke, or that the story didn't live up to the hype.

But then again, I've never really been quite good at telling stories or jokes.
I usually laugh so hard as I'm telling them - I never do end up getting it out quite right.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

If I was to repaint....

What color would I choose?

Today, I got a "new" sofa and wing type chair. One of my girlfriends is doing her house over again - and she had this really nice sofa set that I liked - it looked gorgeous in her house. It's a dark sage with golden sage stripe. (The chair is a coordinating type jacquard). I really like it, so instead of her donating it to Salvation Army, I took it - it's about two years old and in mint condition. But, I want to keep the pillows from my old set (which I am now donating to Salvation Army). I love, love, love the pattern of my sofa set - and I love the color scheme even more. I opted to do my living room in a two tone purple to match it and it looks awesome. BUT. While my old pillows and the new sofa look good together, I'm wondering if the purple is not dominant enough to use on my wall now. Am I going to have to go with a more neutral color? I guess I won't know for sure until I bring the set in the house tomorrow, but here's a sneak peek. I'll post a photo of the entire room when the set is in, because sometimes you just can't tell until you take it all in. And this photo is actually deceiving becuase the sofa looks brown - and the pillows look pinkish - and they're not. So, it's truly hard to tell here....

So, last night was the Holiday Potluck with us crazy girlies. What a post I have planned for that! A couple of times, I was in tears crying - I was laughing that hard.

I'm done with working around the house for this weekend. Ever since the night before the snow day I've been reorganizing, rearranging, washing, folding, cleaning, cooking. I need to put the kids down to bed early and take a bath with a nice glass of wine.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Winter Wonderland...

Gotta love snow days!

After a nice warm lunch of sloppy joes....we bundled up to play in the snow. This is my daughter's first real taste of snow and in true fashion of her personality - She ate it!!!

My daughter's favorite phrase is "Mmmmmm". She's a wonderful eater -which of course, I'm not complaining about! So it truly was no surprise that she tasted it first thing.

Her and my son loved playing - and despite how cold she was, she cried when it was time to come in.
Moms ruin all the fun...

For those of you wondering how the snow is hitting New England...well, initially it was a very quiet peaceful storm, leaving us with about 6 inches. But about 1.5 hours ago - right after I brought the kids in, it became a white out. High winds, and snowing much faster than previously. We're upwards of about 10 inches right now.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Cold Hands.....Warm Heart

So this is the second morning I've woken up to no heat.

I think the thermostat is broken - the wiring that calls up to the boiler doesn't seem to work; I managed to get the heat to come up (fortunately), but wow - 54 degrees is not a comfortable temperature to wake up to. Never mind the fact that my little daughter's bedroom is on an outside wall which means it tends to be the coldest room in the house! Poor little chickie....

So, I leave my cold house, to go into my cold SUV to drive to work; fortunately - my heat works very quickly!

I park in Egypt (translated into "the furthest possible spot from the front door"!) and walk through the cold weather to get to work.

I come into work and SURPRISE!
We have no heat.

The good news is.....

The house will be warm when I get home; the HVAC contractor will meet me and try to figure out what is going on; and I'll have a rip roaring fire going and start making dinner which always makes me happy anyway! The kiddies will have a warm bath before bed and all will be warm and fuzzy.

And tomorrow is shaping up to potentially be a snow day!
Which is always alot of fun.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Makes my skin a little thicker.....

I'm a strong person. I know this about myself.

I've always used the tag line "Never let 'em see you sweat". The more someone tries to stick it to you - the more you smile and keep on going. After all, success is the best revenge.

But I do choose my battles carefully.

I wear rose colored glasses because I enjoy seeing the positive in situations, as opposed on focusing on the negative. Even in times when the cards are stacked against me, or when I'm in a situation that isn't necessarily the greatest. I don't know how to be any other way, it's just who I am. There have been times in my life when I have really been backed into a corner, feeling like I was fighting for my life. I know that sounds dramatic, and I don't mean it to be so...but when you have people that attack your character, your integrity....your mere existance - it's difficult to portray that type of feeling in any other way.

And the more I show that no matter how hard they try to break me down, it doesn't work....the more it drives them crazy. And I find satisfaction in that.

I know that their issues aren't mine....I know that it's their own insecurities and esteem issues that drive them to be angry and hurtful. I know that they're deflecting things that maybe their uncomfortable with about themselves onto me. I know that it isn't me personally that they have issues with - but more so what I represent.

And while I know these things, and I fight the fight - it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I don't usually buy "mainstream" artists when I'm purchasing CDs. I prefer the eclectic, indie artist that no one has ever heard of - or who is up and coming. But as I was browsing Newbury Comics last week, I bought Christina Aguilera's "Stripped" CD. I've always thought she was an amazing talent - someone who will be around for years after Britney, Mandy, and all those other pop tarts disappear. I've seen her "Behind The Music" special, and have always just really liked her in general. I always love the underdog (maybe because I can identify?), but really have always felt good about seeing this little girl find her way in the world of music. I never really passed judgement on her outwardly erotic appearance, because I think she is someone who is going to be around for a long time - and will continually evolve and grow. And she was obviously doing it in a very "you don't like me, don't look" manner. I can appreciate that persona.

I wish I bought this cd far sooner than I had. To any of you who have felt that maybe you were being held down.....wrongly persecuted for just being you....or just had someone make you feel badly about yourself. This is a collection of music that you need to listen to.

So, I'm stealing Miss Christina's words.
And this is a public letter to those of you out there who have mistreated me for your own selfish reasons.

You know who you are....

I've waited a long time for this
It feels right now
Allow me to introduce myself
I want you to come a little closer
I'd like you to get to know me a little bit better
Meet the real me

Sorry you can't define me
Sorry I break the mold

Sorry that I speak my mind
Sorry don't do what I'm told
Sorry if I don't fake it
Sorry I come too real
I will never hide what I really feel
Huh, so here it is
No hype, no gloss, no pretense
Just me

Sorry if I ain't perfect
Sorry I don't give a -what-
Sorry I ain't a diva
Sorry just know what I want
Sorry I'm not a virgin
Sorry I'm not a slut
I won't let you break me
Think what you want
To all my dreamers out there - I'm with you
All my underdogs, ha - I feel you
Lift your head high and stay strong
Keep pushin' on

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Things that make you go "hmmmm?"

Miss Cissa Fireheart has tagged me to list ten odd facts about myself. Now, recently I did this little tasker all on my own because of a children's show that inspired now, to come up with 10 more as a tag; wow, I feel pressured! Not that I don't have 10 more - because I'm positive I do. But to find interesting ones well, that is the kicker. So here for your amusement are 10 more "Ridiculous Quirks and Habits of Rebecca"....

1. I have a penchant for sharpie marker pens. For some reason, I think they make my handwriting look prettier.

2. I remember every phone number I've ever had in my life - including pager and cell phone numbers.

3. A few days before I come down with a cold, my bottom lip gets really full; so much so, that I tend to chew at it a bit because it's in the way! And then - it seems even fuller. Weird.

4. I sing while I drive. All the would think I was the next American Idol.

5. I love banana splits - dried banana chips, banana milkshakes - anything with bananas. But peel me a banana and hand it to me? No thank you.

6. I'm the only person I know who describes colors in food terms on a regular basis: Chocolate, plum, mocha, cream, buttermilk, pumpkin, etc...for some reason, when I'm describing things and their colors I get a warm fuzzy from describing them or thinking of them in terms of food.

7. I can't help gawking like a schoolgirl when a group of motorcycles ride by....that is the sound of summer, my friends.

8. I have to organize all my photographs in chronological order. It will absolutely bother me if I don't - and I'll rearrange the whole damn album if I have to so that it works.

9. I'm an absolute road rage driver when I'm alone. I love nothing more than to bust 'em on someone who is a jerk on the road. Say someone thinks I'm not driving fast enough and they ride up the rear? hahhaha, I'll slow down to 25 miles an hour....and then when they try to pass me - I speed up so they can't cut over. And then I'll smile and wave - maybe even blow them a kiss. I know - it's wrong. But I can't help it - I'm from Boston!

10. I love to work out and be completely enveloped in sweat. I mean, dripping, hair soaking wet, purple faced - can't breathe kind of sweating. If I don't completely drip - then it was a total waste of my time.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Smells like Snow...

It was cold today. Raw, damp, sting your nose kind of cold today. Something we're not accustomed to here yet, because it's been balmy and in the 60s lately. But today - it smelled like snow. If you're not from an area where you get snow, you probably are thinking "what the heck does snow smell like?" Well, I don't know if I can properly describe it for you. It's a crisp, clean and distinct smell in the air. I think the best analogy I can give for it, is something similar to when you smell clothes that have been dried in the summer air, as opposed to in the dryer. It's that fresh, crisp smell that you get when yout bite into an apple on a blustery fall day. And it's the distinct smell that when you say it out loud "wow, it smells like snow today...." if anyone is around you that is from this area - they nod their head in agreement and say something like "...yup - and my knee is aching too; it's definitely going to snow." I don't know if this is a New England scent, or just a snow scent - but it was definitely here today.

If you get the chance....visit three people on my blogroll.

Karla - one of my best, best friends - love her. She is just starting to blog and recently picked it up again after starting and then stopping due to many reasons - one she just wrote about.

Laurie - Very cool, and very funny Stranded in Suburbia chick who sounds like she's really a city girl!

Julia - Entrepreneur, with a very fun company that all you girls should check out. I own a pair of her yoga pants and Tshirt - and I recommend that all of you should own one as well. A portion of all her proceeds go to breast cancer research.

Happy weekend.... Back to drinking my glass of wine and surfing all of your blogs.

Friday, December 02, 2005

These are a few of my favorite things....

...Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens...Brown paper packages tied up with strings...These are a few of my favorite things...Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels...Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles...Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings...These are a few of my favorite things...Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes......Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes...Silver white winters that melt into springs...These are a few of my favorite things...When the dog bites...When the bee stings...When I'm feeling sad...I simply remember my favorite things...And then I don't feel so bad...

I've got the radio station on, and of course I have it on the one that is playing holiday music nonstop until Christmas. This song just came on - and it makes me feel, well - so girly. I don't know if it's the manner in which it's performed, or if it's just the pure lyrical presentation. But nothing makes me feel like I should be twirling around in a pretty dress than hearing "cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels...." Ahhh, these are the types of lyrics I wish I had been gifted enough to write!

So, in honor of the girlish mood I'm's a fun blog thing!

Your Nail Polish Color is Red

How you're unique: You have an incredible eye for style and art

Why your style rocks: You are classic and classy - and that's hot!

What this color says about you:

"I'm smart, sassy, and sexy. And I know it."

Thursday, December 01, 2005

A Tale of Two Girls...

We met in the 6th grade.

We were both the shortest girls in class….she was the tomboy, "Scruffy" was her nickname; and while I was very athletic, I wasn’t as outwardly boyish as she was. She was really cute – very Irish looking with blonde hair, blue eyes and lots of freckles – and already had boys interested in her. I on the other hand, was very awkward looking…long legs and arms made me appear "gangly", whereas she didn’t seem awkward in anyway at all. We both loved running; we were the fastest girls in class always taking first and second in relay races that would take place at gym time. But what really cemented our friendship was a mutual crush on the "brooding silent boy" in our class. We could commiserate on how he apparently liked another girl and seemingly paid no attention to us. It didn’t matter that within a short time, his attention focused on her – and that he liked her over me – I just really liked her. And we became the best of friends.

She was from out of state originally. And this was her first year in Massachusetts. I’ll never forget the day I learned that her Mom and Dad and Brother and Sister that I knew, were really her Aunt, Uncle and Cousins. It was the day after her Grandmother flew up from Florida without telling
anyone and tried to kidnap her on our way home from school. Her biological Dad had passed away; and her biological Mother was gone. Her mother was a dancer of the exotic type – and led a rough life of drugs and alcohol. When my friend moved to Boston, her Mother had already taken off with "some guy" and was living in the Bahamas or Virgin Islands for many years at that point. Her Grandmother had been raising her, but there were questions as to the Grandmother’s sanity – so her father’s brother brought her back to raise her with his own family, as his daughter.

There was always a sort of disconnect between her "Mom" and her, and we would talk about it many times during our growing up years. On one hand, it’s almost as if her Mom would never let her forget that she wasn’t really her daughter. But it wasn’t as obvious as that – it was more subtle. On the other hand, the disconnect had to do with her Mom wanting to see my friend do more with herself. She saw something good in her, that my friend herself didn’t see – and as a result they argued a lot.

Growing up – we were very different. In school, I was the rocker chick/cheerleader; she was the athlete. She always had the attention of boys; whereas I was "one of the guys" and I didn’t date anyone until my senior year. I always envied her body which was curvy in the right places; she always wanted my (at that time) boyish shape. It wasn’t until after high school that the dynamics in our friendship changed. I’ll never forget the day it happened. We were at the beach, and while she always wore bikinis – I hardly ever walked around in them. I’d wear the top, but always a pair of men’s boxer shorts rolled down onto my hips, over my bikini bottoms. As we walked to get a slush, out of nowhere, she said to me "I hate standing next to you, you make me feel like I’m Alpo". I didn’t know what she meant at first – and after further prodding, she came out and told me "I feel ugly next to you; I feel like no one notices me and I hate that." I thought she was kidding. She made it clear, that she wasn’t. After giving it some thought, I had said to her "I don’t choose my friends by how pretty they are; if that’s how you choose your friends – so that you stand out – then maybe you need to find new friends to make yourself feel better; but that’s not why I’m friends with you." Our friendship was never quite the same after that, although I hadn’t realized it at the time. It hadn’t changed so much on my end – but it definitely did on hers.

She had always wanted us to move in together right after high school; but we were different people, and I knew this. I told her "no", because I thought it would ruin our friendship. I know it hurt her feelings when I moved into an apartment with a girl from my work; but I cared too much about our friendship to ruin it over petty things that being roommates can do. You see, I’m Type A/Monica-ish about cooking, and cleaning, etc… She was on that other end of the spectrum. I also was not into partying all that much….she was going down an entirely different path with regards to that. Recreational drugs and drinking was a big part of her social interaction. And I didn’t want the conflict in our lifestyles and personalities to clash, and end our friendship. It seemed that while she always came to me for guidance and advice – she also resented the very reasons she asked me for advice; and she was very competitive with me on many levels. I didn’t realize it so much at the time, probably because of my age. But in retrospect, I saw it.

I was always in long term relationships….she wasn’t. She was always looking for someone to love her as much as she loved them; but it never happened. It broke my heart to see her heart broken so many times by boys -and eventually men- who took advantage of her wanting them to love her. She often talked about having a baby just so she’d have someone to love her back. Her mother never made any effort to find her or keep in touch; and we eventually found out that she died living a wild lifestyle without ever seeing her daughter past the age of 9. My friend often felt maybe she wasn’t deserving of being loved. Maybe she wasn’t that good. Maybe she was destined to be like her mother, and flit through life partying and being wild – doomed to have a tragic ending. I always encouraged her to see the good within her; she was bright – she was pretty – and she would find the right person. And on top of that – she didn’t need another person to validate her place in life. Maybe, she needed to change her persona a little? Not be quite so wild…I encouraged her to start her own business, channel her energy into something positive that would make her feel good about herself.

I’m a nurturer. I tend to "mother" my friends. And I mothered her quite a bit, and not unnecessarily so. In our 20s, she was far more free spirited and riskier than when she was a kid –hitchhiking, or meeting strange guys and just taking off. She often did this while we were on vacation in another state. That was just not for me, and many a night I stayed up worrying about "would she find the hotel…did she take a chance on the wrong person this time? Would she make it back at all?"

We did end up living together for a short time, when my relationship prior to my husband ended. And we had a great time…I was glad we were older rather than younger, I was a little more willing to be less compulsive about tidiness – and she was a bit tidier, after being on her own for the past 8 years. She was still living a lifestyle that was not conducive to her finding a good partner, or to herself in general. And yes, I still mothered her. About 8 months later, I met my husband, and of course – fell in love. She was in a troubled relationship, and just when I started to date my husband, she got a little irritated that I wasn’t going to be so readily accessible anymore; and she moved out. I saw her once, a month later….and that was the last I heard of her. I reached out - sent cards, called. But she never reciprocated. I ran into her, about 3 years later at a local bar…she was 8 months pregnant, and with some friends. I don’t recall much of the conversation – I just remember that it was brief, and we didn’t make any effort to say "We’ll keep in touch". I do remember that she was sitting with a group of girls she became friendly with while we lived together, and partied with a lot – and I remember thinking "some things never change…."

My phone rang yesterday…and there was a tired, bitter voice on the other end of it. I didn’t recognize the number or the voice; and when I asked who it was, they said "an old friend…". And then, it hit me. It was her. I expressed my excitement at her call; she said she was surprised that I was so receptive because the last time I saw her – she was rude to me. Truly – I hadn’t noticed. She was always very moody – and so I probably just chalked it up to her being in a bad way; or uncomfortable being pregnant. We had small talk for about a half hour – catching up on all that had gone on over the past 8 years. And then, after feeling comfortable that I wasn't shunning her - she opened up and told me that she’s in an unhappy marriage. She’s married to a person who does not like her wild ways; and she’s not willing to change them. She’s got two small children, and a husband that loves her. And yet she says she’s still not happy. She no longer talks to the only family I’ve ever known her to have….her Mom and her still can’t see eye to eye - and so she has cut ties. She’s pretty much alone at the moment, and it seems that she’s reached out to me; I’m guessing because I’m probably the last thing of "home" that she would have if we reconnect.

In the middle of our conversation, I expressed that I was so sad that she wasn’t in a good place; I had truly hoped that she would be. And when I asked if she was okay, she started to cry. She said it was very difficult for her to call me because she knows I’m relatively successful and doing well. She’d heard about the wine shop, and that I was married with children. But she said she always knew I’d do well. She got a little defensive, and said she wasn’t asking me for help because she didn’t want it. (I certainly can’t fix her marriage, or pay her bills!) She said she was angry with me about things from when we were kids – and that I mothered her too much. She needed to grow and make a life and mistakes on her own, and that was why she stayed away.

She said that she always felt that I was prettier and smarter, and not only did she resent that – but she resented the fact that I gave her so much encouragement and support, that she believed that she was pretty and smart as well; when in reality, she didn’t truly feel that way about herself. I told her that I never judged her, and I never compared myself to her; and I only wanted good things for her which is why I tried to help her see her true value – and she admitted that it was all her own insecurity…..she was comparing herself to me on many levels, all the time - and felt that she just couldn’t measure up.

What could I say to that?

I steered the call to an end, because I realized in a brief second that nothing I do, or say is going to repair the friendship. I am who I am, just as she is who she is. I can’t not try to fix her problems if she comes to me for advice; and I can’t be ashamed of where I am today because she isn’t feeling good about herself. I left it off by saying I loved her, I’ll always be her friend – and that there is no shame in reaching out to someone, if it makes you feel better.

She stopped crying, and said this was a good call, this was what she needed. She said she’d like to stay in touch.

You know what though….it wasn’t what I needed. Not that I wouldn’t love to be close with her again – not that I wouldn’t love to try to help her out. But how do you get someone to not resent you for being who you are?You can’t. And people don’t suddenly change and stop feeling a certain way. I was up all night after our call. I couldn't stop hearing her words over and over again.

And I came to the conclusion that I can’t fix her…I have a family now - and not that my friends aren't important, because they are - my family comes first. And honestly? I think she'd only resent me for it anyway.

I can't win for losing. And this is one friend, that I think I may have to let go of.