A Tale of Two Girls...

We met in the 6th grade.

We were both the shortest girls in class….she was the tomboy, "Scruffy" was her nickname; and while I was very athletic, I wasn’t as outwardly boyish as she was. She was really cute – very Irish looking with blonde hair, blue eyes and lots of freckles – and already had boys interested in her. I on the other hand, was very awkward looking…long legs and arms made me appear "gangly", whereas she didn’t seem awkward in anyway at all. We both loved running; we were the fastest girls in class always taking first and second in relay races that would take place at gym time. But what really cemented our friendship was a mutual crush on the "brooding silent boy" in our class. We could commiserate on how he apparently liked another girl and seemingly paid no attention to us. It didn’t matter that within a short time, his attention focused on her – and that he liked her over me – I just really liked her. And we became the best of friends.

She was from out of state originally. And this was her first year in Massachusetts. I’ll never forget the day I learned that her Mom and Dad and Brother and Sister that I knew, were really her Aunt, Uncle and Cousins. It was the day after her Grandmother flew up from Florida without telling anyone and tried to kidnap her on our way home from school. Her biological Dad had passed away; and her biological Mother was gone. Her mother was a dancer of the exotic type – and led a rough life of drugs and alcohol. When my friend moved to Boston, her Mother had already taken off with "some guy" and was living in the Bahamas or Virgin Islands for many years at that point. Her Grandmother had been raising her, but there were questions as to the Grandmother’s sanity – so her father’s brother brought her back to raise her with his own family, as his daughter.

There was always a sort of disconnect between her "Mom" and her, and we would talk about it many times during our growing up years. On one hand, it’s almost as if her Mom would never let her forget that she wasn’t really her daughter. But it wasn’t as obvious as that – it was more subtle. On the other hand, the disconnect had to do with her Mom wanting to see my friend do more with herself. She saw something good in her, that my friend herself didn’t see – and as a result they argued a lot.

Growing up – we were very different. In school, I was the rocker chick/cheerleader; she was the athlete. She always had the attention of boys; whereas I was "one of the guys" and I didn’t date anyone until my senior year. I always envied her body which was curvy in the right places; she always wanted my (at that time) boyish shape. It wasn’t until after high school that the dynamics in our friendship changed. I’ll never forget the day it happened. We were at the beach, and while she always wore bikinis – I hardly ever walked around in them. I’d wear the top, but always a pair of men’s boxer shorts rolled down onto my hips, over my bikini bottoms. As we walked to get a slush, out of nowhere, she said to me "I hate standing next to you, you make me feel like I’m Alpo". I didn’t know what she meant at first – and after further prodding, she came out and told me "I feel ugly next to you; I feel like no one notices me and I hate that." I thought she was kidding. She made it clear, that she wasn’t. After giving it some thought, I had said to her "I don’t choose my friends by how pretty they are; if that’s how you choose your friends – so that you stand out – then maybe you need to find new friends to make yourself feel better; but that’s not why I’m friends with you." Our friendship was never quite the same after that, although I hadn’t realized it at the time. It hadn’t changed so much on my end – but it definitely did on hers.

She had always wanted us to move in together right after high school; but we were different people, and I knew this. I told her "no", because I thought it would ruin our friendship. I know it hurt her feelings when I moved into an apartment with a girl from my work; but I cared too much about our friendship to ruin it over petty things that being roommates can do. You see, I’m Type A/Monica-ish about cooking, and cleaning, etc… She was on that other end of the spectrum. I also was not into partying all that much….she was going down an entirely different path with regards to that. Recreational drugs and drinking was a big part of her social interaction. And I didn’t want the conflict in our lifestyles and personalities to clash, and end our friendship. It seemed that while she always came to me for guidance and advice – she also resented the very reasons she asked me for advice; and she was very competitive with me on many levels. I didn’t realize it so much at the time, probably because of my age. But in retrospect, I saw it.

I was always in long term relationships….she wasn’t. She was always looking for someone to love her as much as she loved them; but it never happened. It broke my heart to see her heart broken so many times by boys -and eventually men- who took advantage of her wanting them to love her. She often talked about having a baby just so she’d have someone to love her back. Her mother never made any effort to find her or keep in touch; and we eventually found out that she died living a wild lifestyle without ever seeing her daughter past the age of 9. My friend often felt maybe she wasn’t deserving of being loved. Maybe she wasn’t that good. Maybe she was destined to be like her mother, and flit through life partying and being wild – doomed to have a tragic ending. I always encouraged her to see the good within her; she was bright – she was pretty – and she would find the right person. And on top of that – she didn’t need another person to validate her place in life. Maybe, she needed to change her persona a little? Not be quite so wild…I encouraged her to start her own business, channel her energy into something positive that would make her feel good about herself.

I’m a nurturer. I tend to "mother" my friends. And I mothered her quite a bit, and not unnecessarily so. In our 20s, she was far more free spirited and riskier than when she was a kid –hitchhiking, or meeting strange guys and just taking off. She often did this while we were on vacation in another state. That was just not for me, and many a night I stayed up worrying about "would she find the hotel…did she take a chance on the wrong person this time? Would she make it back at all?"

We did end up living together for a short time, when my relationship prior to my husband ended. And we had a great time…I was glad we were older rather than younger, I was a little more willing to be less compulsive about tidiness – and she was a bit tidier, after being on her own for the past 8 years. She was still living a lifestyle that was not conducive to her finding a good partner, or to herself in general. And yes, I still mothered her. About 8 months later, I met my husband, and of course – fell in love. She was in a troubled relationship, and just when I started to date my husband, she got a little irritated that I wasn’t going to be so readily accessible anymore; and she moved out. I saw her once, a month later….and that was the last I heard of her. I reached out - sent cards, called. But she never reciprocated. I ran into her, about 3 years later at a local bar…she was 8 months pregnant, and with some friends. I don’t recall much of the conversation – I just remember that it was brief, and we didn’t make any effort to say "We’ll keep in touch". I do remember that she was sitting with a group of girls she became friendly with while we lived together, and partied with a lot – and I remember thinking "some things never change…."

My phone rang yesterday…and there was a tired, bitter voice on the other end of it. I didn’t recognize the number or the voice; and when I asked who it was, they said "an old friend…". And then, it hit me. It was her. I expressed my excitement at her call; she said she was surprised that I was so receptive because the last time I saw her – she was rude to me. Truly – I hadn’t noticed. She was always very moody – and so I probably just chalked it up to her being in a bad way; or uncomfortable being pregnant. We had small talk for about a half hour – catching up on all that had gone on over the past 8 years. And then, after feeling comfortable that I wasn't shunning her - she opened up and told me that she’s in an unhappy marriage. She’s married to a person who does not like her wild ways; and she’s not willing to change them. She’s got two small children, and a husband that loves her. And yet she says she’s still not happy. She no longer talks to the only family I’ve ever known her to have….her Mom and her still can’t see eye to eye - and so she has cut ties. She’s pretty much alone at the moment, and it seems that she’s reached out to me; I’m guessing because I’m probably the last thing of "home" that she would have if we reconnect.

In the middle of our conversation, I expressed that I was so sad that she wasn’t in a good place; I had truly hoped that she would be. And when I asked if she was okay, she started to cry. She said it was very difficult for her to call me because she knows I’m relatively successful and doing well. She’d heard about the wine shop, and that I was married with children. But she said she always knew I’d do well. She got a little defensive, and said she wasn’t asking me for help because she didn’t want it. (I certainly can’t fix her marriage, or pay her bills!) She said she was angry with me about things from when we were kids – and that I mothered her too much. She needed to grow and make a life and mistakes on her own, and that was why she stayed away.

She said that she always felt that I was prettier and smarter, and not only did she resent that – but she resented the fact that I gave her so much encouragement and support, that she believed that she was pretty and smart as well; when in reality, she didn’t truly feel that way about herself. I told her that I never judged her, and I never compared myself to her; and I only wanted good things for her which is why I tried to help her see her true value – and she admitted that it was all her own insecurity…..she was comparing herself to me on many levels, all the time - and felt that she just couldn’t measure up.

What could I say to that?

I steered the call to an end, because I realized in a brief second that nothing I do, or say is going to repair the friendship. I am who I am, just as she is who she is. I can’t not try to fix her problems if she comes to me for advice; and I can’t be ashamed of where I am today because she isn’t feeling good about herself. I left it off by saying I loved her, I’ll always be her friend – and that there is no shame in reaching out to someone, if it makes you feel better.

She stopped crying, and said this was a good call, this was what she needed. She said she’d like to stay in touch.

You know what though….it wasn’t what I needed. Not that I wouldn’t love to be close with her again – not that I wouldn’t love to try to help her out. But how do you get someone to not resent you for being who you are?You can’t. And people don’t suddenly change and stop feeling a certain way. I was up all night after our call. I couldn't stop hearing her words over and over again.

And I came to the conclusion that I can’t fix her…I have a family now - and not that my friends aren't important, because they are - my family comes first. And honestly? I think she'd only resent me for it anyway.

I can't win for losing. And this is one friend, that I think I may have to let go of.