Just breathe....

Well, I'd breathe if I could.

A cold has come on full force - and I swear to God few things irritate me more than not being able to breathe through my nose. Especially when I'm baking oatmeal butterscotch cookies or peanutbutter cookies for the kiddies.

It hit me out of the blue and yup, it's a good one.....

Say it isn't so....

Today I finally saw the doctor because I knew something wasn't right. By the end of the day today after gymnastics and basketball - and a relatively chaotic play date for the kids - I had a sneaking suspicion of what was wrong with me.

Can you believe I'm 40 years old - and I have an ear infection?
Oh. AND a sinus infection.
Lovely.

Nothing a good healthy daily dose of Amoxicillan can't fix. And at least I should hopefully get a good night's sleep - so long as my ear and throat starts to feel better.

Stupid is, as stupid does....

As I predicted - not only do I have no voice today but I am sick, sick, sick.

This morning, I ended up staying home and in bed because I had a fever and really couldn't fathom getting up and showering for work. So I loaded myself up with Tylenol, Motrin & Sudafed, a Spicy V8 and a little brioche - and prepared to relax in bed before showering to start my day. I didn't even remember falling asleep.....

The last thing I do remember watching was "Kim & Kourtney take NYC".

Oh. My. God.

All I kept thinking was "seriously!?!?". Seriously. Here's the deal. I don't mind the show "Keeping up with the Kardashians" but I just can't see how a show featuring Kim & Kourtney and her absolute horrible excuse for a husband Scott - actually stays on the air. I can only listen to Kim & Kourtney's identical mannerisms and sing song-y voices with little emotion for so long before I want to chew my ears off. Kim, I don't mind...Kourtney, that's a different story. I can only take so much of her it seems.

That poor girl has a husband that is an absolute moron, and treats her horribly. Does she not see that?? Does she not care?? I was embarrassed for her...he's clearly a klingon living off the "famous for doing nothing" that his wife is famous for.

It just amazes me how people become independently wealthy for literally nothing. And don't have to have any brains to back them up either.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz...oh what a relief it is.

So I'll be shocked if I have a voice come tomorrow.


Yesterday when I woke up feeling congested with a sore throat, clearly was an indicator of the cold that was coming on. I have no tonsils, so I don't really get sore throats per se; I get more like sore sinus passages that run down the back and sides of your throat. It started on my right side yesterday, moved to the center overnight and this morning and is now on the left side. Slight fever today, completely congested in my chest, blech.

And we all know how I get once I get congested in my chest. Laryngitis, or at a minimum - my Demi Moore voice comes out. Which of course I don't mind one bit. It's kind of fun.

But as long as I feel okay, I don't mind. I can deal with congestion and a cold, it's the fever that's the worst because it just makes you feel weird; but if the fever goes away then I don't mind it so much. Truthfully, I wish I had been able to run today. Sometimes a good run will just help you clear all that junk in your system. Or it can work against you.....but I'd like to think it would've made me feel better.

Winning....

Hopefully today was the beginning of the season for the Sox. They needed this win badly, for a variety of reasons -- but they aren't entirely out of the woods yet. They absolutely need better starting pitching. And dare I say it at risk of sounding prejudiced - better catching. I know Salty is going to get there, and offensively he's seemingly good; but his defense is less than stellar at the moment. And this is the big leagues baby, I just don't think this team can afford to spoon feed a catcher. It hasn't worked in the past, I don't know how it can work now. I suppose that I'd have rather seen a more seasoned catcher, that's all.


It was really a fun day today - the first time I was able to watch the Opening Day game while I was at work. Gone are the days of listening to it on the radio. Love it.


Usually whenever the military jets do a fly by for Gillette or Fenway, we see them over our house; today we saw them over the store. We heard the rumbling, and ran to the window where we saw them fly overhead. Pretty cool. Actually - when I ran to Starbucks to get a coffee, I ran into one of my customers who showed me this on her cell phone - and she promtply posted it onto YouTube as well. Good times...


On the downside today, Princess Petunia has some bizarre random virus; she woke up at 4am with a slight fever and stomache ache - but fell back asleep and woke up fine. She looked flipping adorable actually -- it was Red Sox day and she was in a vintage Johnny Damon jersey with pig tails and feeling fine. So off to school she went.....but after school, mild fever reared it's ugly head and she napped. She's up now and feeling better, actually eating - but still looks so tired. Hopefully a good night sleep will do her some good.


In the meantime, this girl is snuggled up on the sofa with the Princess Petunia...sipping on a glass of wine and enjoying all the postgame online chatter. Tonight is going to be low key, just like this - without even a game plan for dinner. And you know what, I sort of like it that way for a change. I'd love a cheap Chinese food night, but we will have to see what the majority rule is.


Happy to be home. Happy to be with the family. Guess I'm "winning" too, today.

My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh

1. That stomach bug is miserable. So, it seems everyone has been getting variations of a theme with this stomach bug that's going around. Fortunately, I seemed to have gotten it the worst out of everyone here. I say fortunately, because I hate when the kids get so sick; but while I didn't have to make any trips to the bathroom - it wasnt' that kind of a bug - I felt awful. Horrible sharp stomach pains, throbbing headache and a fever. I felt like someone beat me with a bat all over my body...and I couldn't even sleep. Fortunately, I feel back to normal today, though it took until mid-afternoon. Truly a 24 hour cycle with this one. Thank God we didn't get tickets to the game last night!

2. What a freaking great game last night! Fortunately, I was able to listen to the game even though I couldn't really watch it; I was so uncomfortable and in this weird zone because of the fever, that I heard the whole thing and was able to watch some of it - like picks got me to turn my head and watch the tv - as did touchdowns. Or both - picks & six, as you will.

3. I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Elizabeth Edwards just passed away and it's just so sad. That lovely woman was so gracious and had been through so much tragedy even before her philandering husband decided to impregnate some political groupie. And to think they divorced just a mere 11 months before her passing; I don't know if that was ultimately happiness and freedom to her despite her diagnosis. It very well may have been.... She certainly is not the only example of bad things/good people, clearly. But us "normal folk" don't have to have a public persona in the face of personal tragedy. And sometimes, I think there needs to be more compassion for the person who doesn't have the luxury of privacy during
difficult times. Especially since it wasn't necessarily her choice to be such a public figure.

4. The weekend was fun! Here are a few pics of our celebrating weekend... 'tis the season to be jolly!

Finally..it's Friay!!

Despite my best efforts, the cold won and I couldn't fight it off. The good thing is though - it's just a cold and nothing that seems to be crazy and turn into bronchitis or even worse - pneumonia. So, though I've had a good week -- I'm tired, and happy to be home. Cheap Chinese food for dinner....and though I shouldn't have a glass of wine, I'm going to do it anyway. I deserve it, god damn it.

Speaking of dinner...it's not here yet, and this girl is H-U-N-G-R-Y.

'tis the season.....

Okay, so a year ago this week - I came down with a cold, and eventually had pneumonia.
But of course, last year I was opening the store and under tremendous stress and pressure so clearly I was worn down which didn't help.

This year though -- what's my excuse?
Because I am once again....coming down with a cold. Sniffles and stuffed, sore neck, dry throat, really tired.
I have three words for you.... and they begin with a WTF.

Tomorrow - back to yoga. Hot soup for lunch. Lots of fruit....
Beacause I refuse to get sick.
REFUSE to.

Because you're mine....I walk the line.

So, tomorrow we have a showing for our house. And Sunday is an open house.

I still have so much to do to get it ready, and I of course - got right to it when I got home from work tonight, because during the week there just wasn't time. As I was cleaning out the storage area (or future roughed bathroom) on the third floor (aka "Mantown"), I suffered a little --accident if you will.

As I was rearranging the faux Christmas tree, there's the base that has the pointy end that goes into the fixed base.... I sort of slammed it down rather hard on my toes on my left foot. Accidentally of course, thinking I was propping it up against the corner of the wall not realizing my foot was there; I thought I was hitting the floor. (Can I get an "ouch" aloud? Thanks...) Blood, everywhere...and immediately. I literally thought I severed my toe - it was stingingly insanely painful. Truth be told, not nearly as painful as it would've been had I truly severed my toe I'm sure, but yes it was definitely uncomfortable. So, I yell really loudly (it's soundproofed in Mantown, so no one can hear me anyway. Truthfully, for a split second I thought "oh shit, am I going to have to clean up blood now!?! Fortunately the sock soaked it up before I made a mess. Whew!) and then get really quiet - because when I'm in a lot of pain, I sort of suck it all in.

(Did I mention I get a little squeamish when it comes to fingers, toes and teeth? No? Oh, well...I am. Only time I've ever passed out was when I sliced my finger really deeply on a can - and I hit the floor immediately. Weird, but for some reason that triggers something for my blood pressure to drop. I'm sure it's psychological. But I digress....)

Then I calmly hobble downstairs, and stick my foot under the tub water - all the time saying over and over to myself "please tell me I didn't sever my toe, please tell me my toe is there".... So, I finally get the guts to feel my foot and realize thanfully it's in one piece -- and take my sock off. Yes, my toe is a mess, swollen - disfigured, bruised - and there's no way I can walk on it, flat footed. Well doesn't that suck. Did I mention that I have a job that requires physical labor? Ah, yes - well, this should be fun.

So that's how my week ended. Um, how's about you?

I'm winding down with a few glasses of Layer Cake Shiraz (yum!!) and watching "Walk the Line", one of my all time favorite movies.

And so tomorrow morning should be fun. I still have more to do, and kids to get ready for soccer...and me with my hop along foot.

Good times... good times.

Stewie: For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Today I experienced one of the most painful things I've yet to encounter in life....
I had kidney stones.

I experienced my first ambulance ride - because there was no way I was driving myself; I couldn't, though I thought I might. I sure as hell tried to be able to; but it came on like a freight train with no brakes.

By the time the IV was in and I got the pain medicine, I was ready to actually sell one of my kidneys for the pain to stop.

I'm tired and sore tonight -but yet so many worlds better than how I was this morning.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone; oh, and to anyone who is a guy - and heard it's "like childbirth".
Umm, no.

I'm here to tell you - it's far worse than giving birth; it's by far the most discomfort I've ever felt, ever.

EVER................

Do yourself a favor....

....and don't ever, ever, ever search the internet to try to self diagnose.
You'll give yourself a heart attack.

Trust me.

She says she talks to angels....says they all know her name.

The situation with my Mother isn't really going well and unfortunately, I think we are going to be saying our final goodbyes in the very near future.

In an effort to be proactive regarding the visiting hours at my house, I called one of my girlfriends who has a catering business; I figured if I can determine in advance what I might need, it would be just a matter of making a phone call and that's one less detail to think about.

It's so funny, I know my girlfriend really well; granted, our lives are both insanely busy so we don't visit often but we talk on the phone at least once a month to catch up and say hi. Between her catering business and her family - and my store and my own family, both of us barely have time to breathe it seems. Anyway, my point being that as I was on the phone with her to plan some catering, she mentioned that she volunteers in her spare time (free time? I have no idea where this girl would squeeze free time in, she's flat out! But when it comes to certain things you make the time and that's the truth; sometimes socializing just doesn't place as high on the list as sharing yourself with others, but I digress....) at a hospice facility nearby, and if I needed any help possibly getting my Mom into such a facility she might be able to assist.

I was so touched and almost in awe of her selflessness. Volunteering and sharing of oneself is a gift - and no matter what field it's in -- it's a treasure to the recipient. But how often do you hear of people volunteering at hospice? The kindness and compassion that is in a person's heart, to spend time with people so that they don't have to be alone at a time that is less than comfortable and often scary - to me is amazing.

And truly, it's not a surprise to me that she would be the one to do this. She's truly that nice of a person, and one that I'm just honored to have in my life.

Upside down...you turn me inside out, and round...round...

So, today was quite the rollercoaster kind of day.
I should've gone to yoga and de-toxified......but it was late, and I instead ate Chinese food and had a glass of wine.

It started off okay... and then it sort of hit a bump.
The location I opened my store in, was a dry town previously - meaning no alcohol. Well, someone wrote to the paper and complained about having a store such as mine in town - and got City Hall involved by calling them out publicly; so, I had the Liquor Commission come by today to inform me that they're going to address the complainant and that while they feel I've got the gourmet aspect down well -- I should bring even more items in to keep people like him quiet.

Mmmkay. I always thought majority ruled, but I guess that squeaky wheel wins more often than not. And trust me when I tell you, I've got lots of gourmet going on in there. I add new food weekly, so I'm not at all concerned about that. It's just frustrating that I bring commerce to the community and run a great business - and I've got to worry about someone who's admittedly never stepped foot into my shop, and their opinions? Interesting.

Case in point: as I was feeling less than happy with the aforementioned conversation, I recieve a fantastic phone call from the Chamber of Commerce telling me that this month's edition of Boston Magazine gives us a fantastic little plug! How exciting!

So, in the past month - the store has been featured on Chronicle, WBZ Radio's Connoiseur Corner, WDIS AM Fairness Doctrine, the Boston Globe's Bargain Bins -- and now Boston Magazine. I couldn't be any more fortunate in the media department, truly.

I went to visit my Mother afterwards, and had an.....interesting visit. I'm not going to comment more on it, other than to say it was a good visit -- but an emotional one; and I hadn't been prepared for that. She looks fantastic, you truly wouldn't think her prognosis is what it is. It's almost mindblowing at times....

Anyway, needless to say - I'm tired, and while I should have gone straight to the studio for an intensely hot class, I opted for the easy way out complete with a glass of wine.

Truthfully, I don't know which one would help me sleep better tonight.
But tomorrow, is another day.....

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. ~Christopher Reeve

1. Do you know how much I love, love, love my job? Seriously. Love it. Today, I was happy to to sample 7 new wines from Southern France that are really just delicious and I can't wait to introduce everyone to them. How great is that?? How often do you get to work in a place where you love the product, and truly enjoy what you do? Not often, and I'm beyond thrilled to have taken the leap....

2. I love chocolate pudding. Okay, so that's not a huge revelation but I don't eat it very often and I'm eating it right now as I post -- and it just brings me back to being a kid. It's decadence and indulgent - and I'm loving it. I might even have another....

3. Wondering why I often struggle making steak. So tonight for dinner I made a delicious NY Sirloin Strip - or rather it should've been delicious. Actually, I probably should've George Foreman grilled it - but I didn't. I was going to pan fry it which often is a great way to cook it, but instead I used a grill pan. The end result: while cooked to a perfect medium, it was tough and chewy and dry. Aagh....

4. Not loving the fact that hope is something that my Mother finds difficult to grasp and hold on to. She wants it.... she has it, sort of. I can't force her to choose to fight; but truly, any fight isn't easy and there needs to be recognition of that. Life isn't always convenient, nor easy. I doubt that anyone living with Cancer or who is a survivor would say their chemotherapy slice of life was a fabulous one; but it was worth the effort in the long run. "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference." ~Winston Churchill

5. Not living up to my resolution of getting to the doctor just yet... and truly, I need to. Did you know that people who have an immediate family member that has Lung Cancer has a 50% chance of having it as well? I did not know that.... oh, and if you're a non-smoker, it's 20% higher. And if you're a woman - it's even higher. At that rate, I'm at like - 80% risk!! That can't possibly be true... and yet, it's from the Cancer Society. How's that for a big WTF....

And those are the few thoughts running around my tired brain for today. There's lots more I could've addressed regarding politics, sports and criminals -- but there's so much of that going on in the mainstream today, I thought maybe something a little more frivolous should be on deck from this girl.

Until next time.....

'Tis healthy to be sick sometimes.”

So, pneumonia is a funny thing.
It doesn't go away too readily.

Think I need to go visit the doctor once again. It's crept back....I can feel it. Of course the fact that I can't stop coughing is a great indicator as well. Pneumonia coughs and discomfort is totally different than traditional bronchial. If you've ever had it - you know exactly what I mean.

Of course, it doesn't help that I've been not having much sleep lately - either due to scheduling, working or social events - or watching that really sad football game last night.

All I can say is that our defense is in a world of hurt. They made many mistakes, and not applying ANY pressure to Brees was just one of them. And this isn't any new topic either -- it's been a weak spot on that team for a few years now. I don't know how quickly it's going to get any better either. Did I hear rumors of salary cap disappearing next year...? Wonder how that impacts the stability of our fabulous home team and it's key players.

Well isn't that just something to think about.....

You know what I'm really in the mood for right now?

(A phone call from Jason Varitek celebrating the fact that he's staying in Boston? Yes, that too...but that wasn't where I was going with this post, truth be told. I knew he was staying -- there was no doubt in my mind, but that's a story for another day....)

Oreos.
That's one of the great things about being sick....when the fever breaks, I am hungry.
And typically, I'll eat things I wouldn't normally indulge in.

Like Oreos.

Interestingly enough....I think we might actually have some in the cookie jar!
See, when I go food shopping - I barely buy junk, like Oreos. Not that they're the worst thing in the world, but I just don't typically buy cookies and sweets. But when G goes -- we're stocked with not only cookies -- but Doritos which, we all know is Crack for this girl.

In my Snugglie no less. Can I just tell you? This is like one of the greatest creations ever. You can even use a hair clip to close it so when you wrap it around you, you're completely ensconsced in a blanket.

Love it!

Scratchy, Raspy, Rough and Sassy....

That would be my voice.
I totally have that laryngitis but now it's really deep and fading in and out - sort of like when you have a really bad chest cold.

Which, I do believe I have now.
That "laryngitis but I have no other symptoms" has evolved into a definite chest cold, complete with fever. Nothing a little Tylenol, Motrin and some good soup and tea can't fix, right?

I almost think that to a certain extent, at some level - because the store is doing well enough that for most shifts, outside of my calling to see if they're busy -- I don't necessarily need to check on them quite so much. Which is such a relief; so subconsciously I think I may have let my guard down and relaxed so that I actually can get sick. You know, the whole "mind over matter" for the past three weeks of my running on excitement and nervous energy, always keeping in the back of my mind that I have to be there, have to be always available. (of course, sampling 15 different wines yesterday, maybe not eating enough over the last three weeks because I'm too busy, staying up a little too late this past weekend... hmmmmkay, maybe that had a little something to do with it.)

Of course, with everything under the sun going around -- it's no shock I've caught some semblence of germ/bug/flu. But it's not going to keep me down.

Not going to keep me down.

Can you feel it coming in the air tonight...

I should've known it was going to happen.

My son had a stomach virus last week...that unfortunately and very rapidly spread to my daughter on Friday. As we were in the movie theatre (my son to watch "Wolverine" with G, my daughter and I "Night at the Museum 2"), during the previews my daughter sat up and looked at me and said "I'm going to throw up"....and she did. All over me. And my popcorn. But hey - that's what us Mothers are for. While her being sick completely interrupted our birthday dinner plans, I drove home - bathed her - and then had to drive back to pick up the boys (complete with a bucket for her, poor thing) my son announced he didn't want to have dinner without us and if I just made him a bowl of spaghetti he'd be perfectly happy. Love him? Absolutely I do.

Fortunately, my daughter got only a touch of it and by a few hours later was fine -- and was perfect in the morning, bouncing down the stairs ready to go on her sleep over for the aforementioned wedding I was supposed to attend. Which, I did go to - and I did have a nice time at. (Note to future brides: Don't plan a wedding at the Castle on Crane's Beach and plan it to be a partially outdoor wedding reception until mid-July. M'kay...? Thanks! Can you say "freezing?!?!"). Here are a few pictures of the soiree... hamming it up for the camera of course.

(That's me on the right. The girl who was my flower girl at my wedding - to the left!)

The next morning I awoke to an ache in my stomach, that I definitely could not attribute to alcohol. Oh no, this was far worse than anything I could have drank. Wouldn't you know -- the damned stomach virus reared it's ugly head and I was a mess. I got it worse than both kids! So much so, I missed my son's birthday party...I don't think I have ever been more disappointed. (The only saving grace is that I generally have it at my house and there's anywhere from 60-80 people there with my manning the grill. Fortunately, with the second business possibility - we opted to do a party for just his school friends at a location of his choice, which was Rollerworld.)

So G had to do the party without me, because I was violently visiting the Goddess of Porcelain. And so not a happy camper about it either. I had a headache, and a fever -- the works. Sure enough, I get a phone call at 2:15 (the party started at 1) -- and G is now also in the bathroom at Rollerworld, sick as a dog. He somehow manages to drive home...I crawl downstairs to the sofa so I can be with the kids because I know he's got a loooong time of visiting the ol' porcelain fixture ahead of him.

And the kids were so great about just hanging with me and watching tv, not arguing too much until they both went into their rooms at 7 to watch a movie so I could crawl back upstairs and go to bed. Let me tell you, if I could erase Sunday from my memory bank, I would.

Yesterday we both felt great, outside of some residual stomach gurlgling (that's still lingering, truthfully) and went to Fanuiel Hall with the kids. They had a blast! And to top it off, my son got picked to be a "guest street performer" for one of the acts where he spent 20 minutes or so helping them out and was hysterical. He was so proud, afterwards people were stopping him and recognizing him from the show. Not a terrible way to end a birthday weekend that didn't quite go to plan.

I've got to tell you, I wouldn't wish this virus on anyone. It's some nasty stuff.

If you hear of anyone having it -- don't walk -- run, and hide.

Not a fun way to lose 7 lbs.

(Sure it's mostly water weight, but what the heck, I'll take it!)

"You can put lipstick on a pig," he said as the crowd roared. "It's still a pig."

So this swine flu really has everyone in an uproar it seems.
I’m not trying to make light of it, by any stretch. However….

It seems to me if the Government was that concerned about this potential pandemic in the currently affected states, there is absolutely a way for them to be proactive about it. I’m beyond surprised that this hasn’t already been done, to be quite honest. I mean, I’m a bright girl – but I certainly can’t be the first one to have thought of this.

There is an incubation period for this influenza; why wouldn’t the Department of Health request all of the flight manifests from each airline that had incoming flights that arrived from or connected through Mexico, into each afflicted state. (Like Massachusetts, for example.) They'd start with the flight that the boys from Lowell came in on, and work their way back a few days, and forward a few days; while you may not be able to notify tourists – you can certainly notify all MA residents at least, of their need to come in for testing. Sure, some may have had tickets purchased by others – however, it’s at minimum a direct link to them in some way, as the airlines hold every passenger’s personal and billing information.

I’m thinking even if some don’t fall ill – might they be carriers? And if that’s not a possibility, it may at least help prevent them from spreading what some may think is just a cold. Not everyone will have the same degree of intensity with this flu, so how does one really know the difference from allergies that mimic a cold, from a cold that often mimics a flu. And the last I checked, no one squeals when they sneeze - so truly, what's the obvious determination? There isn't one, hence the problem being faced.

This sounds like common sense to me, and something that the government has the capability to do – rather than letting everyone freak out everytime someone coughs, or waiting for people to come in on their own.

Last night ironically, an acquaintance of mine in NYC was talking about the hysteria. Not that the flu itself is funny – but the paranoia is. She was on the train going home from work, and coughed; she said the whole car practically ran away from her. Seriously folks, it’s allergy season – get a grip.

On that note, I suppose I should change my plans for what I was going to cook tonight.

I’m thinking a turkey dinner might be a better choice than pork chops…..
(Is that a sneeze I feel coming on? But I kid...)

Upside down, before, you turn me inside out – and round, round…

What is going on in the world of baseball?
It’s craziness – the starting pitchers are struggling everywhere.
Well, let me rephrase that – Boston & New York pitchers are struggling, at a minimum.
But the season is young… not a time to get discouraged just yet.

Oh, and note to whomever sent Dustin Pedroia death threats (can you imagine?!?) regarding his comments about his hometown – everyone loves their home town, good bad or otherwise. I lovingly refer to my hometown as “the ghetto”. It’s a joke and those of us who are from there all laugh and nod because well – it’s not the town we remember it being. That doesn’t mean it’s really a ghetto – nor would it be the end of the world if it really was. So, one – get over yourself, and two – the mere fact that you would do such a stupid and foolish thing only lends credibility and brings that kind of a statement to life. I’ve got one word for you – and it’s Denis Leary’s favorite, begins with an A and ends with a hole. You figure it out….

By the way – doctor’s diagnosis was sinus infection and pneumonia. I knew something wasn’t right… But now that I’ve got some antibiotics in me starting I’m hoping to feel amazing in the next 24-48 hours.

The sun is shining, it’s beautiful out – the forecast for the weekend is supposed to be fabulous – and I've got dinner plans on Friday that I'm looking forward to (and will elaborate on later in the week) and so while I feel lousy, I’m still in a great mood.

Now, if some of my happy vibes can rub off onto the pitching staff and so we can pull out a win….