Thursday, May 24, 2007

Being provocative isn't a sin...maybe you're uncomfortable in your own skin!

I was talking with an acquaintance of mine in work the other day in the break room. He’s recently divorced and just getting back into the dating scene, and so we were discussing about how he’s not looking for a relationship or anything like that, which is a good thing I think. I don’t know the circumstances surrounding the end of his marriage – I would never ask, and that’s such a deeply personal subject I wouldn’t expect him to tell me – but generally speaking, I think since it’s a very recent divorce it’s a good thing for him to take some time to nurse his wounds and not rush into any relationship. He mentioned something about his dilemma regarding asking a girl about her romantic past. He said that to date a girl with little or no experience, would cause him concern because he would always be wondering if she’s experienced enough to remain faithful; to date a girl with a vast experience, would cause him to question her fidelity as well. So he asked what I thought.

I said to him that it shouldn’t even be factored into the equation when dating. In my opinion - that’s a sure sign of insecurity on his part. What difference does it make who she was with before him – it was before him. Does he want to compete with ghosts? The only reason why a man wants to know that about a woman is if he wants to use it against her at a future time. A woman’s sexuality should not be used as a weapon against her, ever. And let’s be honest – at this stage in the game, he’s not going to be meeting any virgins – so he should assume that just about everyone has a “past”. And if he can’t accept that, then maybe he’s not ready to date.

Women should not be defined by their sexuality or the number of sexual partners they’ve had in their life. It’s unfair and unjust. And women are judged not just by men – but by other women as well. We all do it. We’re quick to call someone a “whore” or a “slut” because it’s a quick and easy way to attack someone when you have nothing else to go on – or if you’re looking for the quick weapon to sling. Who are we to judge someone else? Since when did we all become perfect? And who’s to define what the appropriate number of partners a person should have is? And shouldn’t we feel badly for the individual who might be openly promiscuous because they’re searching for something that they think everyone else has? Or maybe – admire the woman who feels comfortable with her sexuality to enjoy what pleasure she is deriving from being comfortable in her own skin, so long as she’s not hurting anyone else – and is practicing safe sex.

It’s that damn double standard, men vs. women.
And while a freespirited and casually intimate lifestyle was never the choice for me – far be it for me to judge anyone else on their choices either.


Glitter said...

I totally agree with you on that one. I've been judged and the funniest thing about that was it was because that said person jumped to conclusions and didn't even realize it was fabricated. Then again..this person was a total loony bin. I think it was guilt on the loony bin's side

green said...

I really have to agree with you on this one, except to point out the only possible exception I can think of and that would be for both people to get blood tests to ensure that both are HIV free. You can never be too careful these days.

Personally, my ex had several boyfriends before she met me and had experience with sexual intercourse, while my experience was severely lacking (read: nonexistent.) When the topic of her past relationships came up, as it did from time to time, it seemed to me that she was trying to apolgize for them.

I would always tell her that I didn't care (or more precisely that it was of no consequence to me) what she did in the past but it was the present that mattered. What was important to me was what went on between us, now.

bigwhitehat said...

Wrong wrong wrong wrong.

Sorry, I don't make my own rules. This makes me disagree with most of this rant.

The problem is men not being judged harshly, not women being judged too harshly.

Suldog said...

I'll disagree to a certain extent. Some men may want to know about the past so that they know what kind of competition they might be expected to measure up to. Whether that's a silly thing or not, that could be the case, not just for the other reason you mentioned.

Rebecca said...

Hi all -
Thanks for chiming in - good to get a man's opinion on it. Although BWH, while I do agree with you on that men aren't judged harshly enough, I do think that no one should be judged, period.

And Suldog - we'll have to agree to disagree. Like I said - who wants to compete with a ghost? Which essentially all someone who isn't in the picture anymore, becomes. No one even really remembers the specifics!! :)

David Sullivan said...

Thurs. I was preparing the yard and house for my little guys party on Sunday and I spent the day playing 36 holes of golf in NH yesterday, so I am late to this topic.

I have always had this goes both ways.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Every relationship is different, so you can't base anything on what happened in a prior relationship. Also, you can never relax sexually if you are constantly comparing or being compared to other people or encounters.

Live in the present, always.

Plus, I don't want anyone knowing about my past encounters. If my wife "asked" she may have rethought the whole marriage thing *smile*.