I was talking with an acquaintance of mine in work the other day in the break room. He’s recently divorced and just getting back into the dating scene, and so we were discussing about how he’s not looking for a relationship or anything like that, which is a good thing I think. I don’t know the circumstances surrounding the end of his marriage – I would never ask, and that’s such a deeply personal subject I wouldn’t expect him to tell me – but generally speaking, I think since it’s a very recent divorce it’s a good thing for him to take some time to nurse his wounds and not rush into any relationship. He mentioned something about his dilemma regarding asking a girl about her romantic past. He said that to date a girl with little or no experience, would cause him concern because he would always be wondering if she’s experienced enough to remain faithful; to date a girl with a vast experience, would cause him to question her fidelity as well. So he asked what I thought.
I said to him that it shouldn’t even be factored into the equation when dating. In my opinion - that’s a sure sign of insecurity on his part. What difference does it make who she was with before him – it was before him. Does he want to compete with ghosts? The only reason why a man wants to know that about a woman is if he wants to use it against her at a future time. A woman’s sexuality should not be used as a weapon against her, ever. And let’s be honest – at this stage in the game, he’s not going to be meeting any virgins – so he should assume that just about everyone has a “past”. And if he can’t accept that, then maybe he’s not ready to date.
Women should not be defined by their sexuality or the number of sexual partners they’ve had in their life. It’s unfair and unjust. And women are judged not just by men – but by other women as well. We all do it. We’re quick to call someone a “whore” or a “slut” because it’s a quick and easy way to attack someone when you have nothing else to go on – or if you’re looking for the quick weapon to sling. Who are we to judge someone else? Since when did we all become perfect? And who’s to define what the appropriate number of partners a person should have is? And shouldn’t we feel badly for the individual who might be openly promiscuous because they’re searching for something that they think everyone else has? Or maybe – admire the woman who feels comfortable with her sexuality to enjoy what pleasure she is deriving from being comfortable in her own skin, so long as she’s not hurting anyone else – and is practicing safe sex.
It’s that damn double standard, men vs. women.
And while a freespirited and casually intimate lifestyle was never the choice for me – far be it for me to judge anyone else on their choices either.