I'm feeling a little drained today. It didn't start out that way though. I actually was feeling pretty darn cheerful this morning. But somewhere along the day, it changed.
I think I've pinpointed what it is that was the turning point. I was having a discussion with one of my co-workers, who is a good friend of mine - he is also my military supervisor. As we were discussing an issue with one of the projects my team is working on, I guess my mind was racing. I was thinking ahead of our conversation, trying to determine where we (my team and I) could go from here, how we would reprioritize our workload, how long of a wait before we could pick it up again, etc. My friend stopped talking and said "You're red from here (pointing to the opening in my vneck sweater) to here (pointing to my forehead). Are you okay?". And I said "no - no, I"m fine...really? I don't know why I'm red, I'm not upset or anything". And we continued our conversation. About 15 minutes later, I felt like I was exhausted - like I'd worked for days on end.
About an hour later, he was in my cube and we were discussing something else, and I said to him "you know what, when you asked me if I was okay, I was okay - but my mind was racing ahead to how I could fix the problem and what the potential delays might be and how they may affect us, etc..." and he said "I knew you were upset, and it's funny because no matter how close we are - you still don't trust me enough to just tell me "yeah, this really bugs me, I'm ticked off". You're just like "no, I'm fine, I'm fine"..(and he makes all these deflecting hand movements). He said "you're the most guarded person I know".
You know what, he's right. I'm totally guarded. Always, all the time. And it's alot of work.....and clearly, it's catching up with me. Or at least it did today. I'm so guarded, that sometimes - I don't even realize I'm upset about something. I just sort of tuck it away and ignore it because I won't let it get the best of me.
I'm not dishonest - it's not that kind of a guardedness. And I'm not guarded with other people or unaffectionate, it's not that kind of guardedness. But I do have an issue about letting anyone know that I'm not 100% and ready to take on the world.
There's a lot of vulnerability that I'm guarding. And every time I've let my guard down, it's blown up in my face.
But I do think I need to find a happy medium. Strength is good....but acceptance of other people knowing your vulnerabilities can be a strength too. And while I've had people use my "weakenesses" against me - maybe I just need to slowly determine who I can and can't trust with that information.
One of the many things in life I need to do. I'm so not a finished product...clearly, a work in progress.