Sunday, February 19, 2012

Thinking of you...

Sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't see mine -- I see my mother's.

It's weird, because I don't look like she did - but yet I have similar traits.  My voice sometimes sounds like hers, my mannerisms resemble hers at times, I even have some of her habits....and what's so funny is that it's happening more so now that I'm getting older, rather than when I was younger.  It's like I'm becoming her in a way, and yet it's been almost two years since she passed.

Most days, I don't think of her at all.  Sounds odd I know, but since my parents moved away years before my mother actually passed - I adjusted to not seeing her on a regular basis, sometimes as little as once a year.  I think it bothered me more when my parents moved because they eliminated the option of seeing them, by choice; as opposed to death - where there are no choices. I always have believed that children move away from home to spread their wings, but parents are home.  So when parents move away, there is no more "home" to go back to, which can be rather unsettling.  I guess for me it hit home more than it would for most, possibly because I'm one of the only people I know who's parents weren't divorced.  In retrospect I guess most of my peers growing up dealt with the loss of their one secure home if their parents divorced.  I'd never really thought of it that way before now, actually.

I'm not a huge fan of hot chocolate, but my mother was.  And truly, the only times I really remember enjoying hot chocolate was when she made it for me after playing outside on a snowy day.  As an adult, she would always try new brands to get me to jump on the hot cocoa wagon, and it never worked....until she found these Land o' Lakes packages of flavored hot cocoa. Hazelnut, Raspberry, Mint - you name it.  Sure enough - I loved them. 

As a result, anytime it was my birthday, or Christmas - she'd always include a few of those packages in with my gift because it just wasn't something I'd think to shop for at the supermarket.  Needless to say, it's been years since I'd had any of it.  My parents moved away 10 years ago, and truly, I couldn't find it anywhere, even when I did look for it.

Last week when I was food shopping, something jumped out at me....and there they were.  Land o' Lakes hot chocolate packets, in all sorts of flavors.  I bought two of them.

Maybe it's because I watched Whitney Houston's funeral last night which was sad, despite the fact that she more than likely brought on her own demise.  Maybe it's because I was doing laundry and remembered that the shirt I was folding she gave to me.  Or maybe it's just because I miss her, period.

But today, I'm drinking my hot chocolate....and thinking of my Mom.

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