I have trust issues.
Not sure where they came from, or why I have them – yet there they are.
Well, that’s not exactly a true statement. I actually do know why I have them and where they came from. They didn’t stem from having a bad childhood or anything like that, actually quite the opposite. I was rather naïve to the dynamics of bad relationships (not just in the romantic sense, but in general) prior to my being in my mid-20s. As a result of this “learning” experience, I have huge issues with being open and honest about my feelings. I can clearly finger point and identify where they came from and how I became this way. This doesn’t mean that I’m dishonest when I’m expressing myself, but I don’t open up when I’m not in a good mood, I just mask it with a good mood “appearance”. And I never, ever share if something is bothering me. I don’t feel that I can trust people with my vulnerabilities and weaknesses. So I pretend that there really aren’t any. There are very few people that I feel “safe” with; I’ve had so many people use my vulnerabilities against me as tools to manipulate me – I just don’t do it anymore. It’s not a part of me that I like, because the lines between who I can’t trust with “me”, and who I can – have become blurry. And I will isolate my emotions from those who I can trust; they’ve seen the difference in me and it hurts their feelings.
This isn’t to be confused with my inherent personality of being an internalist; I’ve always dealt with things and problems on my own and in my own head, but that was by choice. Not because I couldn’t. And I’ve evolved into someone who feels that she can’t – which is entirely different. I’m not really liking that part of me.
Why am I thinking about this today? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I’m so excited to see my best friend tomorrow, who I haven’t seen in far too long; and the last time I saw her, she told me how she notices this change in me and it bothers her to think that I don’t trust her. When I do, implicitly.
I’m not sure how to fix this about me, but I’m working on it. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:
I’m forever a work in progress.
3 comments:
I'm just not that reliable. I'll trust somebody else most of the time.
Part of it is the whole New England up-bringing. We're taught from birth not to trust anyone.
If this is the worst you can do for a character flaw, then you've got very little work to do.
I have a hard time trusting people also but I think it is for different reasons.
But like you, I'm trying to work on it. :)
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