Confessions of a shopaholic...

I did really well today. I took a run to the mall at lunch with one of my friends and though I browed through Sephora and Ann Taylor – I did not buy one thing. Not a one.

I’ve become quite the shopper as of late. Not because I’m buying things that I don’t really need – but because I tend to put myself last on the list for importance and therefore I’m in a shortage of things I DO need. So I end up doing like a bulk shopping, or multiple shopping excursions which always makes me feel like I’m being too indulgent.

I do need summer work and play clothes – and Ann Taylor has exactly what I want, but I didn’t really have time to shop so I’ll have to go back there. I do need shoes for summer. Not just the typical type shoes that I always buy, but a more sophisticated style and I’m really loving a lot of the peekaboo shoes I’m seeing. Lord and Taylor had some gorgeous Ann Klein shoes, but – I’ll probably find what I want at Marshalls because I’m truthfully all about the bargain. I like to look like I’ve spent a fortune but I really didn’t. It makes shopping for me easier when I feel like I scored a deal. Must be that “mom” guilt I got going on.

Or, it could be that I’ve got a hair appointment and a massage appointment lined up for myself next week – oh, and a pedicure – so I can’t really go crazy on spending money on “stuff”. Sigh.....It’s tough having a conscience.

I'm a believer....

BWH tagged me to do this little posting about what was the first album I ever bought and memories associated with it.

I have to be honest and say that I bought 45's long before I bought albums. My mom and I used to go to the local record store in Malden Square (totally dating myself here) and buy them all the time. The oldest song I remember buying is "If I can't have you" by Yvonne Elliman - that and "Lead Me On" by Maxine Nightingale. Oh, and maybe "Boogie Oogie, Oogie" by Taste of Honey.

The first album I remember buying, was one that I still love to this day. My friends and I were obsessed with this group. Watching the television shows, pretending to be dating them (I loved Davy Jones, of course!) -- even pretending to be them. Girls can be silly, what can I say.

(Tell me, how adorable is Davy Jones in this picture? For those of you who "pretend" you don't know who he is, he's the cute one at the bottom....Loved, loved, loved him! Waaay more than Marcia Brady ever did! I'd have fought her for him!)

Finally Friday!

I have my nephew staying with me for a part of the weekend, which my kids are thrilled about. He’s only 5 months older than my son, so I’m hoping the weather holds out and is nice so that we can do something fun Saturday morning – and also so my nephew can watch my son play in his soccer game. I think he’ll get a kick out of it. (No pun intended!) I’m also hoping that they go to sleep nice and quietly. My nephew hasn’t had a sleepover at my house before; we tried, but he doesn’t adapt well to changes at times. He loves loves loves being with my son – but he prefers to go home at night. My sister is going to a wedding down the Cape – so I’m hoping that I can get the kids all nice and tired so they sleep like little babies – and my nephew won’t even be able to think about where he’s sleeping. By morning, it won’t matter anymore! Fingers crossed....

I’m still oh-so-addicted to Grey’s Anatomy....I’m still catching up on Season 2 and let me tell you – I am beside myself with what’s been going on! I just have to figure out a way to download the Greys episodes from Season 3 on Itunes – but burn them to DVR so I can watch them on the TV. Suggestions.....anyone?

I'm starting to run outdoors this coming week. I just can't bring myself to stay focused on the treadmill any longer. It's almost painful, I'm so bored! And - I don't have a goal to focus on so it's easy to just step off and say "eh, so not into it today." I can't bring myself to run further than a mile anymore. So, Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm going to be running outdoors w. one of my girlfriends from work - we'll probably run the track on base, or -- she mentioned there's another trail that's not so quite out in the open we can run that, which is on base as well. But either way, I won't have to run every single day alone- which is a good thing.

Speaking of exercise.....anyone up for dessert?

You Are a Chocolate Cake

Fun, comforting, and friendly. You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality. People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.

What Kind of Cake Are You?

Hope Springs Eternal....I hope so anyway!

I watched the American Idol special last night – and I have to tell you, it was heartbreaking at times. Hats off to the producers for trying to use the power of their show to do some good for others who truly need it. It’s so easy for most of us to not think about others who might not be as well off as we are. And of course, that is a relative term - but I'm speaking generally. In this MYSpace, ITunes, “reality” show watching, fast food eating, Banana Republic wearing, Coach Bag carrying society that we’re living in – I think it’s really important that the youth of today pay attention to the problems that maybe aren’t so near and dear to their hearts because they fortunately (or unfortunately?) haven’t been exposed to it. I hope it made some semblance of an impact on them.

Muscially speaking, I thought the performances were really quite good. Kelly Clarkson was excellent, as was Carrie Underwood. Rascal Flatts, and IL Divo I really enjoyed as well. The illusion of Celine Dion with Elvis was really very, very cool. I just kept wondering how they made it look like they were really together – it was so very well done. But my personal favorite, was Josh Groban. To hear him with the choir of children was what I bet it sounds like when Angels sing together. Sounds corny – I know. But his voice is just magical to me.

There’s no shame on hopping on the "giving" bandwagon.
It feels really good.
Really.

Like the flutter of a butterfly's wings....

Its interesting how one event can change the course of your life. We don’t even realize most of the time when we make even the smallest decisions what the impact is on the very next move we make in life. Or how that decision impacts another person’s life. Similar to the Chaos Theory, or the Butterfly Effect – even the most minor of changes can have a ripple effect throughout the universe. Sounds deep, doesn’t it? Well, it is. And I’m certainly not intelligent enough to discuss it at any length greater other than what I’ve just written, but I can tell you this – it’s a theory I believe in.

It’s sort of like “what goes around, comes around”. Although that’s more spiritual and referred to as Karma it’s still a form of your actions having an impact on someone else’s life – as well as your own. Does this mean that we really put that much thought into our every movement, our every course of action we take in life? No, of course not. Nor does it mean that we have to, but it’s just an interesting thing to think about.

These are the things that go through my mind when I haven’t had enough coffee yet today.

The power of positive thinking....

Open your eyes to the beauty around you....
Amazing what one 90 degree day can do. Flowers are blooming everywhere, birds are playing with each other in the sky...the smell of a grill in the evening breeze for the first time in a season is intoxicating. I even saw a butterfly yesterday afternoon. It was a picture perfect day yesterday, and while it was far too warm in the office – it was really just perfect outside. I’ll take the sudden rush of summer any time!

Open your mind to the wonders of life...
I got a wonderful phone call this morning on my way to work. One of my girlfriends just told me she is pregnant! I wasn’t expecting the news at all, because she’s a newlywed and truthfully – we never discussed whether children were part of her “plan” for the future; so I sort of figured if it was – then it would be a topic of conversation that would come up if she broached the subject; but it wasn’t something I would just assume was. Everyone has different goals in life. So I was really surprised and so very happy for her, when she shared her news with me. Another precious little someone is going to be born and loved.....and if that isn’t one of life’s wonders – then I don’t know what is.

Open your heart to those who love you...
To freely give your love to those around you is easy; for me, receiving love back is always the most difficult part. Opening my heart up and trusting is such a hard thing for me to do. But I’m getting better at it, I think...

And always...be true to yourself.
I am proud of the woman I am....the person I have become over the years. Despite efforts to try and make me doubt myself, I feel good about who I am. I’m not perfect, and I don’t pretend to be – and of course, there are always moments of doubt -- but I do try really hard to be someone that my family and friends can be proud to say they know. I’m still finding out who I am, because I’m always growing and changing; but I think that I will always stay true to what I believe in and who I believe in. And who I believe in more than anyone else...is me. If you don’t believe in yourself – who can you believe in?

I'm sorry, but.....

Did somebody say "sweep"?

I knew I had a good feeling about this weekend!

It's a good Monday in Red Sox Nation.

Sox Saturday Fever!

How about that game last night?!?!

At the fundraiser, I was on the phone getting the score for everyone because the last we heard - Bill Costa who was the show emcee - announced that the score was 6-2 and we were losing. Next thing we knew - we were up 7-6! So I did a little "play by play" for everyone at the table until we won - it was pretty funny.

Anyhow...in honor of the Sox spanking the Yankees - here's a little Baseball Survey, true to my Saturday postings!

BASEBALL SURVEY!!
BEST TEAM?:	Red Sox, naturally!
WORT TEAM?:	How about least favorite? The Yankees!
BEST PLAYER?:	Jason Varitek/Manny Ramirez/Big Papi
WORST PLAYER?:	Hate Jason Giambi. Just hate him.
BEST PITCHER?:	Hmmm. I guess right now Schill is my favorite now that Pedro is gone.
MOST HR'S?:	Too early in the season to tell...more than likely Papi
BEST OUTFIELDER?:	Hideki Matsui - maybe not the best, but he's one of my favorites. Wish he got traded to Boston...
BEST INFIELDER?:	Miguel Tejada. He might not be the "best" but he's one of my favorites.
FAVORITE CATCHER?:	As if this needs any input! Jason Varitek, of course
PLAYER ON STEROIDS?:	Someone retest Giambi...!
Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

Spring HAS finally sprung!

So yesterday and today I'm home with the kids. I have to tell you - after all this weather we've been having, I'm pretty excited about being able to be outdoors with the kids. It's gorgeous out! My landscaper just showed up to take care of my spring clean up/pruning...this morning (coincidentally might I add) I cleaned up my garden area of all the old "stuff" that was sticking out of it and raked the soil. I tidied up the yard a bit, not that there was anything to do really, but it was more or less just rearranging what I have out there.

I had a busy day lined up for us yesterday, and it started with a show in Newton Highlands at the Hyde Community Center. The way to get there, was through Waban: Home of Jason Varitek. Yes, I had to fight back the temptation of driving down all the side streets to find "the" street. I've driven "around" Waban, but not through it - so this was entirely different. No - I am not a stalker! Not in literal terms anyway, hahaha. I have to tell you - it's really quite nice there. It is tempting though when your 5 (soon to be 6!) year old son is like "Mom, it wouldn't hurt to just drive by his house, would it? Maybe he wants to meet us!". Sigh, the innocence of a child.

We're off today to get some good smoothies and a day at the soccer field. It's fun when the three of us kick the ball around. And I think tomorrow we may head to the beach before my son has his soccer game. My brother in law is coming down tomorrow morning to stay with us for the week, so the kids are excited. He's G's younger brother - and he's 20, but he's really good at playing with the kids, especially my son. T is psyched to know that Uncle Nicky will be at his game.

Tonight, I have a fun night planned to see one of my girlfriends who's a realtor - and is involved in a "Dancing with the Realtors" event.

Definitely the beginning of a good weekend, I can feel it.

Stupidest. Song. Ever

Alanis Morisette singing "My Humps" by Fergie in acoustic coffee house fashion.

You've got to be kidding me.

So many things I could've posted about regarding today, and yet this is the one thing that just couldn't go without saying. It was like a car wreck. I was horrified, and yet I couldnt' change the channel.

I can recap my "Mom" events later on.

Scents, Food & Thoughts...

It’s the simplest of things that make me the happiest.

The smell of clean clothes, a really good vanilla candle, a burning campfire, mist off the ocean, freshly cut grass, the hint of a future snowfall, freshly cut cucumbers to go into a salad, cedar and pine, my kids after a bath, bubbles in my own bath, food cooking in the oven.

Food shopping makes me feel whole. There’s something about coming home and looking at a fully stocked refrigerator and cabinets that just makes me say “aahhh.”. When I first moved out of my parents house and into my own apartment, I could not wait to go food shopping. It was one of the very first things I did once I was settled in. I could not wait to cook – I wasn’t allowed to cook at home as a kid. Which is okay – it just made my being able to when I was on my own that much more enjoyable. I love to cook – for me, eating is purely social. If I lived alone, I’d either have to have company every night – or I probably wouldn’t eat. Sort of like watching television – eating is something that is just that much more fun when you’re with someone else.

Being shown that you matter to someone – especially someone that you wouldn’t normally expect it from – is always a great “pick me up”. I love when I come into work and one of my friends thought to put something as small as a sticky note on my monitor that says “Good Morning!” or “Have a good day today!”. To have someone remember something I mentioned casually in a conversation, and then think to follow up on is always a good thing. Receiving a card just to say “I’m thinking of you” can make even the dullest of days seem better.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away."
I don’t think I’ve ever heard a truer statement.

So many thoughts today.....

Where to begin?

1. Ugh, I’m so done with this weather. Fortunately, we didn’t lose power – and this was probably the windiest the weather has been in quite some time. We did, however – get woken up at 3ish this morning because the wind ripped my storm door right out of the casing that it sits in! I can’t believe it. And I have a farmer’s porch, so we’re shielded from the wind quite a bit. I’m thinking that the door can be taken off, and then a new frame built to be reattached to, as opposed to having to buy a new door. But either way, a call to a handyman or contractor is going to have to be made.

2. While I’m quite fortunate to have only sustained minor damages, my co worker Steve – who shares a cube with me now – had a tree land on his house. He was on his way to work and got a call from his wife to come home because a really large tree crashed through their roof. Horrible. We’re waiting to hear if they are going to be able to stay there, or if they have to leave. I’m thinking they’re going to have to leave and that’s probably going to mean that most of their belongings are ruined. Time to think about a clothing/food drive for them, so I’ve been mentally going over what I have on hand to be able to give to them.

3. On a much lighter note: Did I mention I love love love Jelly Belly Jelly Beans? One of my favorite things in the world to do is to eat them and try to guess what flavor I’m eating. As I was cleaning out my cabinets yesterday to make room for food I bought food shopping – I stumbled across the collection of jellybeans that belong to the kids. Yup....Mom helped herself to quite a few of them I must say. My favorites? Coconut, Buttered Popcorn, and of course....Peanut Butter.

4. Speaking of flavors, on a recommendation from E, I tried a chocolate/raspberry iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts. I’ve gotta tell you – I didn’t love it. It was okay....maybe if I drink more it will rub off on me, or maybe it wasn’t made right. But it was too heavy on the raspberry – not heavy enough on the chocolate. Maybe I’ll try it again, but next iced will be my traditional Chocolate/Coconut.

5. New book this week: “The Kite Runner”. I’m up to page 65 so far. Very, very good book.

6. This week, I get to play Domestic Supergoddess and be home with the kids on Thursday & Friday. My sitter is taking a few days of vacation....and you know what, I could use a few days off myself! I’m so looking forward to planning some adventures for us that might be a bit off the beaten path of the regular school vacationers. No lines, no waiting is my motto - when at all possible.

7. I got to watch a bit of FoodTV this weekend, which I don’t get to do nearly enough. Caught Emeril Live on Friday and Jimmy Buffett was his guest. CAN’T WAIT to go to Buffett!

8. In other television related news.....I caught a glimpse of Kelly Ripa this morning on “Regis & Kelly” as I was getting the oil in my truck changed. I never watch morning television because obviously – I work. How cute is she? Love her bright new hair color and fun cut. She’s in amazing shape too. I almost hate her, she’s so....perfect. I mean hate in a good way....in the “I really love her so I’m going to use the word hate to emphasis how much I think she’s awesome” way that us girls tend to speak.

9. I can not wait to work out tonight. I worked out yesterday pretty hard, but I’m feeling so blah today. I need a little yoga fix and 7:00 can’t come quick enough.

10. GO SOX!

3x3x3x3 x etc......

Birthday parties and my son's FIRST SOCCER GAME (Woohoo!) will be occupying most of the weekend....oh, and food shopping too.
Must. Have. Food.

Yoga last night was wonderful....as was the wine. And it went to my head before the first glass was even done. Sent me straight off into thoughts that probably didn't need to be expressed. hahaha, I guess I think I'm smart when I'm buzzed sometimes. The Chinese food however...was not so good. Oh well, two out of three isn't bad!

So, trying to stay true to my thoughts on "Saturday Surveys" - I'm posting this fun little "meme" that I got from Ms. Ladybugs12 aka Pink & Green Girl. Some of the questions on here, interestingly enough reflect upon either conversations I'd had throughout the week, or incidents that took place throughout the week. How appropo!

Three Things That Scare Me:
1) Helicopters. I'm just convinced that either a strong wind will knock it out of the sky, or I'll be decapitated.
2) Tornados. Love, love, love crazy weather - but something about having your house torn apart, flown off someplace else - and losing all of your tangible memories (photos, etc...) just terrifies me.
3) Tooth/Eye Injuries. I can take just about any type of trauma and be resourceful. You can be gutted, and I'll stop the bleeding until an ambulance comes. But if your gum is split or your eye is bleeding, I'm hitting the floor. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

Three People Who Make Me Laugh
1) Kim: She makes me laugh so hard, sometimes it's just a facial expression - and I lose it.
2) My kids. They always make me laugh.
3) The "Aunties": All of them. Especially when we're all together. It's not unusual for me to laugh so hard I'm almost in tears when we're all together.

Three Things I Hate:
1) Rude people
2) Disrespect
3) Public Restrooms. EEEEEW.

Three Things On My Desk:
1) A picture of the kids
2) Post it Notes
3) My favorite Sharpie pen

Three Things I’m Doing Right Now:
1) Listening to the kids play
2) Answering this survey
3) Drinking a cup of coffee

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die: (only 3??)
1) Jump out of a plane
2) Drive a stock car
3) Visit Hawaii

Three Things I Can Do: (What can't I do is the better question!)
1) I am the queen of multi tasking.
2) Cook and entertain for large dinner parties pretty well.
3) Overachieve.

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To:
1) Your gut/first instinct. (I'm with you on this one E.)
2) The quietness outside on a Sunday morning. There is nothing like it.
3) A newborn baby's cry. It's the sweetest sound ever.

Three Things I’d Like To Learn:
1) How to relax, really relax (Another one we share!)
2) the French language
3) How to sew

Three Favorite Foods:
1) Steak/Beef (Filet Mignon, Pot Roast, Beef Stew, grilled meats, etc...)
2) Sushi
3) Mexican

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:
1) Creature Double Feature
2) ABC Wide World of Sports
3) Tarzan (with Johnny Weismuller, of course!)

Three Things I Regret:
No regrets ever....I wouldn't be who I am today if not for the choices I've made along the way.

It seems the best laid plans often go astray....

So I was supposed to run a 5 mile race on Monday. And – given our weather report, that’s not going to be happening.
I’m not overly disappointed because truly, I don’t think my conditioning is up for 5 miles. I could pull 3 no problem – probably even make it to 4. But I’m thinking 5 might be pushing it, especially since I haven’t been doing much running outdoors. So I’m glad that my friend and I didn’t register in advance for this one.

Clearly, that just means that I’ll have to find a good 5k to run if this weather ever seems to stabilize. Cool and misty is good. Driving rain and windy – not so good.

In other areas of my “self improvement” tasks, I just finished reading my latest book, “Lovely Bones” last night. I’m here to tell you.....I didn’t love it. It was okay. I guess I was looking for more from it. Jeesh, I’ve been so critical of what I’m reading lately, I’m beginning to feel like the Simon Cowell of my own private book club! I need to lighten up...it’s entertainment for God’s sake, not rocket science! I’m so serious at times......Definitely one of my flaws.

I am glad that today is Friday. I really, really love my Fridays...it’s hot power yoga day, and one of the greatest ways to put an end to my week. I feel so....done afterwards. Like nothing that might have been affecting me during the week still exists. That’s part of the addictiveness of yoga – it frees your mind. And wipes you out, to say the least.

So tonight, after I put the kids to bed...this girl is going to have a glass of wine – which will go right to my head I’m sure since I am so exhausted after my workout -- and maybe some cheap Chinese food.

Not a terrible way to start the weekend, eh?

Feelin' Groovy.....

Spring is just really dragging it’s feet around here. And while it’s cold, and sleeting, and hailing....I’m thinking shiny, happy thoughts.

I’ve been loving some things lately that I thought I’d share.

Music:
Amy Winehouse: “I’m no Good”. (LOVE the James Bond feel to this song.)
Incubis: Dig
Remy Zero: “I’m not Afraid”
Katharine McPhee: “Over it”
Sugarland: “Settlin”
And the song “Breathless”, but I don’t know who sings it. It’s a country acoustic – and it’s great.

Food:
Hummus: I’ve been using this with everything! Coating my pork chops with it....mixing it with brown rice or pasta; mixing it into a marinade for beef; folding in with a frittata. Funny, I hate chickpeas – but can’t get enough hummus.
Pears: I love pears anyway – but I’ve been throwing them in salads, glazing them and serving with rice, roasting them with vegetables....want a fun little tip? Sometimes, I’ll make brown rice and mix it with “I cant’ believe it’s not butter”, cinnamon, and some pears. Mix it all up – and voila. It’s like a hot cereal.
Cream of Wheat: Speaking of hot cereal, I hate oatmeal. Can’t stand it. But – I love Cream of Wheat. Mixed with pears or apples and cinnamon and butter, OR even better....soft boiled eggs and bacon. YUM. Almost as good as grits....

Total Randomness:
Ann Taylor Loft: I’m gaining a new world of respect for what I’ve always referred to as “Ann Taylor Lite”. I’m really liking a lot of what they’ve been putting out lately....
OPI: I’m going through a neutral, or natural looking phase for my nails. I’m really loving colors such as “Canberra’t without you”, “Just Teas-ing”, and “No Bees Please”. French, naturally falls in this category.
BioTherm Aquasource Non Stop Oglio: This is amazing stuff. Amazing.
Hershey’s Kisses: Coconut filled, and Peppermint filled. I don’t even like Hershey’s but this is “to die for”.
Tea: I am not a big tea drinker; I went through a tea phase a few years ago – and for some reason, I’m falling back into it again.

And while there may be more, that’s all that’s coming to mind at the moment.
So hope you’re happy, warm and dry – wherever you may be today!

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby...

Today is a great day. Despite the cold temperatures, the sun is shining.....the Red Sox just hammered Seattle yesterday.....and....
It’s my boyfriend’s birthday!

Yes, I have a boyfriend.
It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know that he’s my boyfriend – I just know he’d love me if he knew me!

Married, shmarried. Why let a little something like that get in the way of true love.

Yes, I’m kidding of course.
But it is MY blog – and I can obsess over silly crushes if I want to.

I love, love, love Jason Varitek.

Free your mind...and the rest will follow.

Its funny how much disdain there seems to be towards thin people lately. There’s a whole “anti-size 0 “movement going on. I’ve seen the topic on other blogs, I hear it from other women - and of course, the media fuels the fire.

As a matter of fact, one of my local radio DJs was interviewing Heidi Klum last week and made some sort of off hand comment about her being a size 0 after having so many kids. To which she promptly replied that neither she, nor most of her supermodel acquaintances were size 0. Not that she should have to justify herself, but she seemed a little surprised by his comment. I was too - because it didn't quite come off as complimentary. Not sure if that was the intent or not.

I am a size 0.
I’m not a supermodel – nor am I sickly looking. I’m 5’1 – and I have a petite frame.

I am not Nicole Ritchie or Posh Spice thin; I’m fit and athletic – but I’m still a size 0. I can’t help it, this is just how I am.
I was 164 lbs when I gave birth to my son. Considering I’d been 100 lbs when I conceived him, that was a dramatic weight gain. When I was pregnant with a second child that I lost – I put on 25 lbs in the first 13 weeks. Some women put that on that amount over the term of their pregnancy! I put 54 lbs on when I had my daughter – and she was 5 weeks early! Did I lose all the weight immediately? No, of course not. But did I starve myself, or live an unhealthy lifestyle to try to get down to some silly clothing size? Of course not.

I worked out, modified my diet a little bit (sugar to splenda, cream to milk) and figured wherever my body wants to be is where it will be. And sure enough, I’m a small person by nature – here I am again. Like Gisele Bundchen (though not my favorite person lately) commented not too long ago, sometimes people are just genetically built a certain way.

I suppose it sounds trite considering the overwhelming amount of prejudiced placed upon people who are overweight in society – but I wholeheartedly disagree with that mindset as well.

We need to stop judging people based upon their appearances, be it weight or ethnicity; style or sexuality.
Live and let live. This is the concept that people need to embrace.
You just might see the world in a brighter light if you do.

Letting go....

I got a message this morning, informing me that my ex’s mother passed away on Saturday.
I am going to go to the wake, despite the fact that she and I did not have a good relationship most of the 7 years that I was involved with Bill.

I had an exceptionally tumultuous, unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship with Judy. I loved her...I hated her. She used me as a tool to pit between her kids at times; but at the same token – she treated me as if I was one of her own – and that was how she indeed treated everyone in her life. She was an alcoholic, and an abuser in general - and she was my first exposure in life to what a dysfunctional family really was all about. She was psychologically damaging to everyone around her, and that included me. I was absolutely devastated the first time I was the object of her anger. I didn’t see it coming; inretrospect, it was brewing for some time. But at the time, I had no idea -- I was completely blindsided. I refused to play the victim though; it angered me. It hurt, believe me; and it hurt every single time it happened. But I wouldn’t let her break me, and I wouldn’t back down from her – and I think she hated me that much more because of my refusing to let her win in that respect. She wasn’t my mother; I wasn’t emotionally bound to forgive her as her own kids were. So I could cut my ties if necessary. And I made her apologize every time. She never apologized to anyone....but I wouldn’t give in unless she did.

As many awful, horrible memories I have of her; I have some wonderful ones of her too. I think in her own way, she loved me. Holidays were always wonderful – she’s the one who really showed me a lot of how I celebrate my holidays today. And she never let me feel left out. Christmas morning – she always had just as many gifts for me as she had for her own daughters. She tried, as best as she could to treat me as if I was another daughter, which wasn’t necessarily something that needed to be done; but I think she wanted me to truly feel as if I was part of the family. That was sort of how they showed love for one another – with gifts. When I had a severely broken ankle, she was the one who took me to get my ankle casted the next day. She waited on me hand and foot when I couldn’t get up from the sofa. She’s the one who helped me shower when I couldn’t do it alone. I laughed a lot with Judy....I cried a lot with Judy. I stopped crying almost entirely after her.

If it wasn’t for Judy, I don’t know that I’d have had the strength to face some of the adversity I’ve faced since that time. She toughened me up. She taught me valuable life lessons that I wish I didn’t have to learn – and made me go through things that no one should ever have to go through. But you have to take the good with the bad. And the positive that I took out of it is this: While I hate that she and other people have mistreated me, and that as a result I’ve lost a bit of who I am and have emotionally retreated – I am far stronger of a person than I ever knew I was. She helped bring that out in me. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason....and I think the relationship I had with her son wasn’t the relationship I was supposed to “grow” through and learn from – it was my relationship with her.

At the time that my relationship with Bill ended, she and I weren’t speaking, as a result of yet another burst of her anger. I ran into her, about 4 years ago. We had polite chit chat, and at the end she said “I’m sorry. I really treated you badly, and that was wrong. I just want you to know I’m really sorry....” I said, “You know what Judy, don’t give it a second thought. It’s water under the bridge....”

She was, for all intents and purposes – my second Mother for a good portion of my life. An abusive mother – but mother none the less.

And while there’s all sorts of drama that is going to go hand in hand with my being there – I really do need to go and pay my respects to her. For me....it's letting go.

I need to say goodbye, and finally put that part of my life to rest.

Songs of love and yellow roses....

I am so not in a mood for work today.

I’m sitting here, listening to some Garth Brooks....the sun is shining.....and I’m feeling like I’d rather be sitting back someplace enjoying an ice cold Corona.
Can’t we transport me to Texas somehow?

When I was a little girl, I used to say I wanted to be a “cowgirl” when I grew up. Us little girls would play those silly games with the folded paper that would somehow predict our futures –and when we had to pick 4 places where we wanted to live -- I always said “Texas”. I’d marry a “cowboy”, and we’d live on a farm and have horses. If I actually got that outcome in the game – then clearly, that was what my life was going to be like. Funny how things don’t quite work out like our childhood games.

I’ve only been to Texas once, but I loved it. I didn’t get to spend much time there – it was only a weekend – but I really liked what I saw. The food was amazing. One of the best steaks I’d ever had was in Dallas at this restaurant, Bob’s Steak and Chop House. I had some of the best Mexican food at this little restaurant that I can not remember to save my life. The night life was fun – the people were amazingly nice. I just really liked my stay overall. Of course, I didn’t see all that the city of Dallas or the state of Texas had to offer....but I would like to go back someday.

So, maybe tonight - I'll grab myself a Corona and grill up a steak, sit back and have myself a Texas moment in Massachusetts.

Clearly, I need a life....

So this Grey’s Anatomy obsession I have is a bit much.
I’m so into all the characters – like they’re my real friends or something! How pathetic is that?!?!
I can’t help it. They’re just such great characters – and don’t we all know someone who is like one or more of them?

Have you ever said something that sounds really, really bad – but you truly didn’t mean it the way it came out?The other day, I had the Season 2 DVD set on my desk and was talking with one of my girlfriends about it and she was saying how I was really going to enjoy this season even more than the first one. So, I said to her “I know, I’m so excited I could lick the box!”.

You could hear a pin drop....she laughed and said “you could, could you?!?!”
So not what I meant – and where is her mind anyway?!?!?!
Dirty, dirty girl she is. It was so very funny....laughed??
I about cried, I laughed so hard.

You scored as Meredith Grey. You want the perfect life, it drives you crazy when it isn't. Even your closest friends don't know everything about you. You try to handle things on your own, in your own way. You really want acceptance from others. You want to be really good at what you do. Meredith Grey 75% Alex Karev 75% Miranda Bailey 63% Izzie Stevens 63% Derek Sheherd 50% George O'Malley 50% Cristina Yang 50% Preston Burke 38% Grey's Anatomy, Which Character Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water ..

BAM....!

You get hit by a car.

I’ve grown up in New England my whole life. Granted, I’m a city girl –but I’ve vacationed plenty in NH, Maine and Vermont. And where I live, we have our fair share of wildlife in my neighborhood – deer, coyote, fishercat, turkey, fox....actually, I just saw a wild bunny scampering across my yard last night! But I saw a sight this morning that I’d never seen before in my entire life.

A dead, rather large female doe – on the side of the road.
I’m thinking she was hit by a truck because there is no way a car alone could’ve torn her apart like this. Poor thing.

I was translating the story to one of my coworkers who grew up in Maine – waaaaaay up near Canada, and she was telling me about how it was a common event to hit deer, moose, and other animals on the road up there; everyone she knows – including herself has done it at some point. She said, “deer were born with beauty, not brains”. Clearly, if they seem to have a penchant for crossing heavily populated roads! I mean, I know it happens, and obviously I’ve seen the deer and moose crossing signs and always hoped to see some animals just grazing along the road or maybe trying to pass – which of course I would let them do. I mean, this is what happens when we encroach upon their areas.

I just never saw a dead one lying on the road, and so I suppose it brought out a little of my naivete that is still alive, but buried somewhere inside my often jaded little mind.

Facing fears....

More often than not, I think we are our own worst enemies.
Rather than giving someone the opportunity to tell us that we either haven’t done a “good job”, or that we “aren’t qualified” - we make the assumptions ourselves and eliminate the risk of failure – by not attempting various things that we might like to do. Not just professionally – but personally as well.

I had a conversation about this with my sister not too long ago actually. She’s in the medical field and would like to enter an area that she is afraid she wouldn’t do well in because she’s not good in Math. So, she was shelving the idea. I told her that she shouldn’t just think that way and not try to accomplish what she really wants. Go for it! So she has to work a little harder at it; so it may not be a strong suit for her – but Math isn’t the only area that she’d have to get good grades in. Give herself the opportunity and try. Let the school be the judge as to whether she is going to pass or fail – but don’t sell herself short just because she’s afraid that she won’t do well.

We can’t all be good at everything – and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. Especially for someone like me, who often feels defined by the perception of who others think I am, or want me to be.

So, what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

I’m still thinking about it.

Monday Mashup....

1. It’s opening day for baseball! Finally! I thought it would never get here.....So very excited to watch the game today! I won’t get to see all of it – but I’ll get to see some and that’s okay with me. It might be rainy and dreary here in Boston – but it’s 81 and sunny in Kansas City.

2. Okay, finished the book “My Sister’s Keeper”. It really, really bothered me. Did not like the ending – at all. I did not see it coming, and truthfully – I may not have read the book if I had realized what it was really all about. That being said....Jodi Picoult is a great writer; I’m just wondering if all of her books are like this one. In any event, I’m now starting “Lovely Bones”, which I’ve heard really good things about. We’ll see how this one goes...

3. My contact tore in my eye Friday on the way home from Yoga. So....this afternoon I have an appointment (finally!) to get new contacts. No more flipping around in my eye! I’ve had these contacts that haven’t fit will for far too long and I’m so thrilled to be done with them. In the meantime though, I’ve had crazy headaches from being so “lopsided” in my vision!

4. I moved offices on Friday morning/afternoon. Hmm. Maybe that’s why my contact tore – all that dust and god knows what else flying around the air. Not loving my new cube – but not hating it so far either. Zero privacy which is never any good. But such is the life of a government worker, right? Did I mention that I’ve been putting the word out on the street that I’m looking for a new job on base? Well, no one in my office knows (NOTE: so if you work with me and somehow found my blog and I don’t know about it – please don’t tell anyone!!!! Thanks!) Maybe nothing will come of it....but maybe something will. We shall see....

5. Hmmm. McDreamy isn’t so McPerfect, is he? Here I was, practically gawking at my television – just melting and giggling about how he’s so perfect. And then.....the wife shows up at the end of Season 1. Um, hello?!? I’m going to be starting Season 2 this week – so please, no spoilers!!